Still blah

The last few weeks of 'not trying' has been bitter sweet. I am enjoying eating carbs, drinking, and not controlling my other food intakes, and not making any plans. But I still have to remind myself that its OK to do so, as I am on a break, and sometimes that just spoils the fun. Also, I should have learnt not to hope, especially for a natural cycle, but nope, I day dream about miracles all the time. And get crushed when reality come in and AF visits instead. I've also been a big mess - whenever I had a few spare moments to think, I started noticing children around me and instantly feeling sad. The sight of children used to bring up a smile, but that has changed so much these days, I can only conclude that I am going loopy. I know I am moving further away from everyone, slowly, inch by inch. I am really hoping that its just temporary.

For now, I'm in Europe for work again. It seems my job requires much more travelling than it did 2 years ago when I left. I usually like travelling, but the frequent travel requirement is trying to make me lose my cool. I'm away for 4 weeks this time, and already they are talking of sending me back here in April for 3 more weeks. At this rate, if I am away almost half the year, TTC will take the back bench for unintended who-knows-how-many months. Unfortunately with the body clock ticking, I don't really have the luxury to just relax and let my job come first. Not when I know how much of a hard work it is, each cycle we really decide to try (as in get help from science), and how long it can really take. Don't get me wrong, I am on a break from TTC due to my own decision.  And the break was prolonged due to both me and my husband travelling for work, which I am fine about. But I want to get back on the TTC route soon. And its not like we can just plan our dates to just lie in the few weeks I AM home. For now, it looks like my dates  are going to be around Easter time, so I think we might be able to squeeze in the FET before my next travel, but leaving so soon after an FET won't do anything to the increase my already reducing confidence that it will work. And I'll have to travel with the 400mg daily progesterone pressaries, and worry about sourcing it overseas in case I run out of it. So I'm not sure what we are doing yet. I'm not liking this idea of the universe not being in my side for a small chance at happiness that I have been craving for so long. I should have been used to it now, but it seems I never learn...