So of course, the cycle was a bust. Yesterday was the test day, and it was clear negative. Our clinic does not do betas, it’s just two HPTs to be used two days apart.

I did drive myself crazy when I tested with FRER on 5dp5dt, and it was negative. Had also used a few expired OPKs expired long back from 2015/2016 (not sure why I still have them??) at the same time. I was smart enough not to use up any more FRERs after that day, but I tested a few more times with the expired OPKs, thinking they are supposed to go to the bin anyway, and they were all negative – but both lines were pretty light in them. That was the height of my obsession this cycle I guess, besides googling when was the earliest and latest to get a BFP again and again J. But the OPKs helped me get prepared for the negative, while still holding a bit of hope at the back somehow.

Tomorrow is the second test, but I am already sure it is negative. I was actually quite surprised how the mind works – I was feeling bloated right up to the point I tested yesterday. After the HPT tested, I went back to sleep, and yesterday morning, ALL the symptoms seem to disappear, including bloating. So, I already skipped my progesterone pessaries this morning. Still a bit scared to throw all caution in the air before AF shows up. Bit of a pity, as I really want to spend this evening drunk, as it is Friday night L

Anyway, not sure where to from here. I am keen to put TTC in the backbench, but I have a batch of progesterone to finish before June. So my mind says do it sooner than later so that there is some change of a BFP before turning 40 in April. But I really want to stop all this nonsense and obsession, and wasting money on supplements. Will see how it all goes.

Sooo...I'm in the bandwagon again.

We had one frozen embryo left from last cycle.

We had been trying for a second baby since baby D turned 6 months. Desparate I know, but we knew it wasn't going to happen right away (but that didn't stop me from daydreaming, mind you). At the beginning, it was a no pressure kind of thing. Then we stopped a bit when baby D had to go on a hip harness due to DHD. It's genetic, so I was really scared that I'd pass it to our second child since I had hip dysplasia myself at newborn stage. But D coped well, and luckily was out of her harness soon, and slowly the dreams came back.

Then suddenly one day, I realised that if I didn't get pregnant soonish, I will be over 40 if and when I give birth again. So I panicked! Unfortunately or fortunately, my husband was the opposite- calm and sensible. We discussed how we were already blessed with D in our lives, and so didn't want to rush into FET. Also, no more IVF after the FET too. So we said we will try naturally while enjoying seeing  baby D grow each day. And on Nov, we will do our last ever assisted cycle.

So here we are. 11/11, 11am was the appointment for the transfer of our 5d blastocyst - poor bugger with the pressure that its either him, or no one else. I've been on progesterone pessaries since the day of the transfer, so the tiredness and queasiness I feel right now is probably due to that, or maybe even due to the cold I caught that doesn't seem to want to go away. But every moment I am free, I am obsessing, and then feeling guilty that I may ginx things. Guilt at every step for not eating healthy, sleeping enough, or drinking enough water, or lifting baby D up, or not doing enough excercise, or worrying that cleaning the house was too labour intensive...and the list goes on....

I told myself this evening though. Why should I not obsess? This is probably the last time ever that I would be PUPO...ever!! So, dr google, here I come with questions like "BFP how many days after 5dp5dt" and "FET symptoms" and so on and so forth. Please try to give me answers that will still keep me a little bit sane!

I am sorry for being MIA for so long...it's been almost a year it seems. The main thing that happened in these past months was my actual journey to meet my baby, baby D!


After my last post, rest of the pregnancy was almost uneventful, with only small period of slight nausea, and couple of weeks of pregnancy related rashes, PUPPS (which drove me mad). The delivery itself couldn't have gone better either, with her being born within 2 hours of me arriving at the hospital. The first time I met her was magical, and rest of the journey till now hasn't been any less. So far, she has met her growth expectations at each clinic visits, and has so far loved all the day outs we have managed to fit in so far. At eight weeks, she is cooing her heart away, and making our hearts melt with her smile.


I have been lucky that my mom is here for a year, to help me look after her. Still the days just disappear, and each day I silently praise those moms who do it alone. I wasn't able to post during pregnancy as I was too scared to jinx things till the very end, but after she was born, was a bit challenging to get the time. In the future, I intend to regularly post updates about baby D here, lets see how it goes though.

Sorry for being MIA, I had been too busy or tired to update. But no news is fortunately good news this time, at least for now.


The dating scan went well, with our poppy growing right on track at 8w5d and perfect heartbeat of 189. So mesmerized by the little thing!


I haven't stopped worrying that symptoms are coming and going, but I am starting to be more hopeful than all doom and gloom. Minor bouts of morning sickness and back ache is all the only thing that is a physical reminder, which I am thankful for...most of the times ;)

The last week was one of the hardest one for me, as I really struggled about not having contact with my parents in Nepal causing me to worry about their safety, and not having any assurance that this pregnancy is not going to end silently like the last one. So much that I nearly broke down infront of my colleagues who were also travelling to the customer site, it took a lot of strength not to. I thought several times about giving up, and pray to my boss that I be allowed to go home.

Being in a foreign country, I do not have the luxury to call my clinic with my concerns and get an early scan or another bloods done. Unless I presented myself to the emergency in a hospital here, and demand bloods or scans, but I chickened out of that. I am not sure I would be able to handle bad news by myself.

It got a bit better mid week when we finally had contact with my parents again (they are shaken but OK), and work got so busy that I barely had time to think about my fading lines and symptoms. And I have calmed down a lot by now, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I have my first scan on the 11th after I get back. I switch between imagining what we would do if we did hear the heartbeat, and imagining how I would survive  if history repeats itself. To be honest I really want to know either way. I cannot wait to board the plane back home this Friday. By this time next week, I'll be in my bed...

Also, if I never have to travel to this place again, I would never complain, as I never want to be reminded of this week again.

Since I am posting today, I think I need to come clean too. Hence this separate post from the one about earthquake before.

Yes, I got positive pregnancy result for my last cycle. I'm just into my 6th week now. I didn't write about it before, as I was terribly scared of this pregnancy, since this is the first one after my miscarriage last year. I got a little bit of relief as the betas were lot stronger than last time - 228 on 10dp5dt, and 815 on 13dp5dt. But I was still afraid to share, as I thought I would somehow jinx it. Then I stressed about bringing the progesterone pessaries on the 26 hour flight  with me as they had to be kept cold (was an OK experience btw), stressed about having to work hard, and not getting to eat on time time while I'm at customer site, and worried about million things more.

Fast forward to the end of first week at customer site, all work load and food was fine, but I think I ended up having bad luck anyway. I only had sore boobs as a symptom, and that started fading, so I freaked out and POASed on Friday morning. Unfortunately, the lines are getting lighter since Friday. This is not looking good at all. I am trying to stay positive, but I feel the doom and gloom already repeat itself. The two lines that started painting new dreams have started fading, and so are the dreams now.

So I started the weekend crying for my little poppy, and ended up crying the whole weekend for my little baby, for my old parents's suffering alone in Nepal, for my 'adopted' girl in Nepal (through Plan Australia) who I know I will not get any updates about for ages, and for my beautiful country which has been shaken up so much. If I never have such a weekend again, I will not complain. Its going to be long two weeks here. I am due for the first scan on 11th when I get back, but its too far away, and may be just too late.

This has been a difficult weekend for us. I am in business trip in Europe, and have been watching the news about earthquake in my home country Nepal, helplessly, with tears streaming down my face. So many stories of strength and hope and people working together and supporting each other. But so many more of destruction and loss....

My parents and relatives back home are fine. But there are still so many tremors coming back, some big ones as well, so they are all trying to survive out in the open, with what little supplies they had at home. Water supplies are running out, its cold and and it has started raining..

I won't write long, as I am sure you can get the details in news. I am just writing today to request all of you to pray that this ends, that much more lives are saved, and that there are no new casualties/diseases appearing. I would also request you all to open your heart and donate generously. I am using a Nepalese community in Sydney to donate, but please use any reputable donation agencies like RedCross, Unicef or any of your favourite charities.

Please also forward/share this request if you can. Any help at all that you can think of will be greatly appreciated.

I hope its ok to not give your 100% everytime.


We had our 4th transfer last Tuesday. It was one of the two 5-day embryos frozen after my last fresh cycle. They don't freeze if the embryos are not of good quality, and since the third one took, we were in for some hope. On the actual transfer day, a little disappointment set in because it wasn't a full blastocyst yet. In addition, I was told that I was ovulating after my first bloods, but the OPKs I used at home anyway were positive for the next three days, and my temping chart showed an increase after the forth day. So I guess the timing of the transfer was probably early by 2 days. So my brain says we aren't in with much chance. But all hope is not gone fortunately.


In the other hand, I have been lacking any inspiration to prepare my body for this cycle. Work has been crazy, and I'll be travelling overseas for three weeks for work days after my test day, so not looking forward to that either. Result is that I haven't been watching my sugar, caffeine, water or gluten intake. No exercise either. I feel guilty, but I just don't have the energy to give my all this time. If I was waiting for a miracle before, I need triple that this time. Not sure if I deserve it though. Lets see how my fate and God feels about all this.


My emotions are still all over the place and I would love some positive to come into my life, but until then, I have to count on being busy at work to ensure I am not all tears all the time. So not sure taking the Easter break was a good plan (we have a choice of working this Friday and Monday). I just hope that the body appropriates this break though, as perhaps that's the only thing I'll do for this cycle.


Not looking forward to adding a year to my age this weekend either...it's just a reminder that time is ticking. Not exciting like it used to be. All I hope is that next year, I have less complaining to do.

Today was your due date. I never got to find out whether you were a boy or a girl, but for me, you will always be my little girl, one who I was so eagerly waiting for, for such a long time. I'm sorry that I didn't get to hold you, or even managed to have you with me for longer. Your heartbeat that I was able to listen to once will be the most precious for me. You probably already can see that I miss you like crazy, every single day, and I will continue to do so forever. Thanks for being with me in spirit in the last few months though. I can tell that you and I would have been very good friends, and that you would have grown to be a caring and beautiful woman. I already feel that you are looking after me from up there. Hope you are happy there my darling. Your daddy and I love you so much and miss you a lot.

The last few weeks of 'not trying' has been bitter sweet. I am enjoying eating carbs, drinking, and not controlling my other food intakes, and not making any plans. But I still have to remind myself that its OK to do so, as I am on a break, and sometimes that just spoils the fun. Also, I should have learnt not to hope, especially for a natural cycle, but nope, I day dream about miracles all the time. And get crushed when reality come in and AF visits instead. I've also been a big mess - whenever I had a few spare moments to think, I started noticing children around me and instantly feeling sad. The sight of children used to bring up a smile, but that has changed so much these days, I can only conclude that I am going loopy. I know I am moving further away from everyone, slowly, inch by inch. I am really hoping that its just temporary.

For now, I'm in Europe for work again. It seems my job requires much more travelling than it did 2 years ago when I left. I usually like travelling, but the frequent travel requirement is trying to make me lose my cool. I'm away for 4 weeks this time, and already they are talking of sending me back here in April for 3 more weeks. At this rate, if I am away almost half the year, TTC will take the back bench for unintended who-knows-how-many months. Unfortunately with the body clock ticking, I don't really have the luxury to just relax and let my job come first. Not when I know how much of a hard work it is, each cycle we really decide to try (as in get help from science), and how long it can really take. Don't get me wrong, I am on a break from TTC due to my own decision.  And the break was prolonged due to both me and my husband travelling for work, which I am fine about. But I want to get back on the TTC route soon. And its not like we can just plan our dates to just lie in the few weeks I AM home. For now, it looks like my dates  are going to be around Easter time, so I think we might be able to squeeze in the FET before my next travel, but leaving so soon after an FET won't do anything to the increase my already reducing confidence that it will work. And I'll have to travel with the 400mg daily progesterone pressaries, and worry about sourcing it overseas in case I run out of it. So I'm not sure what we are doing yet. I'm not liking this idea of the universe not being in my side for a small chance at happiness that I have been craving for so long. I should have been used to it now, but it seems I never learn...

I did a 180 degrees flip right after my last post. After a long time, I had high hopes for the last cycle. I had pimples all over my face and body, I was tired as hell, and I was even getting bouts of dizziness. I usually had spotting days before my AF begins, but I was expecting AF on Christmas day, but no signs till Christmas eve. So after all the prayers and feeling really blessed in November, I was thinking this is it, I am going to have my very first successful natural cycle. And I was determined to do all my best to make this one last the whole way. Little did I know that all the blessings mean nothing, and all the symptoms were just because of my tiredness due to travel, and due to the change in food. I was looking forward to getting home on boxing day, and my best (late) Christmas present being two lines. So when I landed in the UK for my first transit, I was as excited as a little child on a Christmas eve. But I started bleeding on the plane in the next leg of my flight. Rest of the flight was a blur. I cried on my way home from the airport after landing really early on boxing day. Then slept the day away. Forced myself to get up at 6pm, and help my sister with the Christmas celebrations we had planned.

After that, I decided to take a loooong break from TTC. I have had enough of this mindfuck. I felt like I deserve more. So I am off all my tens of different supplements, off my gluten free diet, I am drinking whenever I feel like, drinking as many cups of tea as I want, and the list goes on.  But unfortunately, I am finding this is not easy either. I am surrounded each and every moment by unexplained grief, and I cannot see the fun side of anything. I am not enjoying the freedom from medications or food and drink restrictions. Perhaps I had ‘something’ to do before this, and now I don’t and that is making this harder. Memories of the little angel I lost just keep coming back. Work is a real escape, but at this time of the year, that is slow too. Retail therapy helps a little bit, but there is only so much you can shop.

At this stage, I am not sure where I am heading next, as all of this is really hard. I want out, at least for a little while, but it seems not trying is harder. I may take a break from blogging too, but maybe not, as this is the only place I can vent. Even though almost no one reads it.

Sorry for the really low note in this post. I really hope that you have a better plans for new year celebrations than me, and you have a great year.

Looking back at my posts, I see a lot of negativity in all of them. Its true that life felt like shit for a large part of 2014, but there were some highs. The relationship with my husband grew a lot stronger, and that warms my heart very much. I also had a chance to feel how its like to be pregnant, no matter how short it was. I'll always miss my little angel baby, and my tears haven't stopped flowing each time I remember the little heartbeat I heard once, but she has given me hope, and certainty that I want to be a mom. My family and friends who try so hard to support me and not say anything that would hurt me, they have been brilliant. And believe it or not, it feels great to be back at work again.


I'm writing this today, not because my period is just a tinsy wincy bit late and I am hopeful, but because I had been meaning to write this since I reread my last post early last week. I am heading back home, and writing this from the plane somewhere above Brussels (to be published later). The sunset, and the fluffy clouds below calming me right down. It's a bit sad that I'll miss being home for Christmas, but we decided that at our home, we'll celebrate Christmas on boxing day this year, just so that I can be a part of it, so I'm looking forward to it. I was busy with work all week, but took some time to make some elaborate meal plans from the hotel last weekend and my family already has things bought and ready to go for the 26th. I know it'll be very tiring as I land after 26 hour journey, but I think I'll enjoy it anyway. So I'll suck it up and say goodbye to 2014 nicely. Hopefully she'll have (more) great memories for me in these last few days.

I am not sure if I was looking forward to this Christmas or not. We, meaning me and husband, and a couple of close knit friends, have had the last few Christmas rotating on celebrating Christmas at our places. Mostly young couples like us. To be honest, I had always liked the part where we made the lovely food and opened the presents. But with the last few months particularly, I am dreading any get togethers with our close friends who are all turning from couple to family one by one recently. So in one way, I was looking forward to the distraction of organising and planning all the food and gifts, while in the other hand, I was dreading another emotional near-breakdown.
Well, I've been put out of my misery - well, almost! I've been asked to travel to work, and I'll be in Romania till the 24th afternoon. 24 hours flight later, I will land in Sydney on the 26th. So, not only will I be flying on Christmas, I will have the shortest Christmas ever due to the time difference. To top it up, someone or the other will be travelling the whole December in our small office, so the Christmas party this year has been shifted to a new year gathering sometime next year. I hope they have some Christmas spirit in the plane itself. Some googling said our carrier Qantas rarely does, so I am not putting my hopes up.

TTC wise, all the travel that me and my hubby have to do for work in the next few months unfortunately means that all the 'good days', we are going to be spending them separately until March (and only because I am not assigned to travel in March YET). We were able to sneak in a week this week by changing dear hubbys plans, and for a long while, this is going to be it. IVF is not even in the cards at the moment. So if this one week doesn't bring in any luck, I am not likely to have a 2015 baby!  That thought is already driving me crazy. No pressure December, but please please please become my favouritest month!!

So, I was back at work this week. On the very first day, I was disappointed that the office was further than I thought from the train station. Minimum 2 hours of travel one way is already making me feel dull.

On top of that, it seems our small Sydney office was showering with babies in the 1.5 years I was gone. 2 of the 3 ladies pregnant (third does not have a serious relationship yet I think), and 3 of the 6 men became new fathers (remaining either already have grown-up children or not into babies yet). So yes, I missed out on the baby express when I left work. Or maybe I just saved myself a LOT of heartache watching all others invite babies in their world.I'm again surrounded by pregnant people - in the office, on the street or train, or in Facebook. I had disabled Facebook because of this, but now that I am surrounded by this in real life, I might as well accept the 'virtual world' and face it head on. 1.5 years ago, I was proud that babies and baby news did not affect me. Now it just saps any positivity I have. Happy moms, either just starting the new journey, or enjoying their children going to school, or inviting their second child - all makes me go green. This may never change, but I better get used to it than try to hide it. I may be permanently recognized as the green lady one day, but so be it. This is my life. I just have to live it.

Sorry for disappearing, but I was away from all this for a few weeks. We decided to urgently visit our father-in-law because he was refusing to eat or drink after his second stroke. He is currently living in a small mountain town in India these days (we are originally from neighbouring Nepal). Good news is that his appetite is now lot better, and he is finally taking his medications which he was refusing too before. Bad news is that his memory was affected this time (he hardly recognized me but luckily he recognized his son and daughter and was happy to see them).

The culture out there is totally different to here is Aus of course, so in these three weeks, there were lots of visiting our relatives (while dad rested) and lots of eating. There was no arguing with the elders who fed you there in matters of food (lovingly of course), so gluten-free diet went out of the window. Temping and OPKs were totally out of question. I hardly had the energy to follow my thyroxine routine, let alone my vits and CoQ10 etc. So no IF related crazy routines. What I did have was lots of blessings from everyone for a baby and soon too. If blessings from elders work, there should be some good news in the next couple of months. Guess will just have to wait and see.

I did have a moment where my tears got the better of me. If my last pregnancy wasn't so abruptly ended, I would be in such a different place right now. Instead, my poor baby wasn't even acknowledged, as no one there knows. I was so sorry for both of us. I didn't let anyone see the tears except my husband though.

I am starting my job on Monday so hoping it provides me enough distraction for a little while, as I have no energy to go for another IVF round for now. Perhaps setting up gluten-free diet again is a good excuse for now - that will take a few months. Before we decided to fly, I had booked for a FET but the nurse replied saying they could not book that cycle as I did not have rubella testing done in the past 12 months. No one EVER mentioned it to me that it had to be done every year. If I didn't have to urgently travel at that time, my post would have been a furious one. Instead I am now in a state of mind to test the blessings and try naturally for a couple of months at least. That may change of course, will see.

Bad news hasn't stopped appearing for us lately. Firstly, my father-in-law had another stroke, exactly one year after his last one. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as last year, and he is about to be discharged today, after about two weeks in the hospital.

The second blow was when DH was made redundant and given 4 weeks notice. There were a lot of redundancies announced at his work place a month or two ago, and we had breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't make the list. But he was suddenly added last week, and given a notice. It was totally unfair as others got lot more notice than him. But then life is never fair I guess. He is trying to find some internal positions to fill, but it is not likely he will get one in such a short period of time.

We had thought of visiting my in-laws when we heard about the stroke, but that was postponed due to this news at work, especially as my father-in-law is stable thankfully. DH and my sister-in-law will be travelling towards mid Nov to meet them. As I expect my job to restart soon, I think I won't be able to make it this time around.

Even if I did have time to go, I am not sure how our plan for an FET in Nov is going to pan out. Of course this natural cycle was a bust. I didn't expect more, as I was totally careless with what I was eating or drinking or doing or thinking...but one can always dream - maybe the gluten free goodness kicked in, so I was free of my IF and we'd have a sticky one - they always said a few cycles after a miscarriage was super fertile. Well, no such luck, as I already have signs of an impending AF. I was hoping it would appear sooner though, so that we'd have the transfer before DH leaves, but like always, I'll have to settle for the second best, and do it alone.

When nothing goes your way, even the onset of hay fever (that you never had before) saps the energy out you. The resolve to start fresh for the next cycle, with proper diet and exercise and happy thoughts, fades too quickly. For now, I will wait until the hay fever settles, and I can enjoy the perfectly cut lawn once again. I don't know how long I'll have to say it, but I still have to take it one day at a time. Otherwise I will just breakdown in front of everyone like I did two weeks ago :(

Last two weeks were full of celebrations, and lots of food for me. In fact so much that I'd be happy to not see any party food for a while (not happening though, as still more stuff planned next two weeks). Highlight of these weeks was my nephew, who has grown to be the sweetest but the most stubborn 3 year old, and did not stop amusing us with his innocent talk and mischief. I had make cupcakes for his third birthday and used deep cupcake cups made of stiffish paper (not the usual frilly cupcake wrappers). I was overjoyed to see him finish his so quickly, only to find minutes later that he had licked only the icing and thrown the rest into the dustbin saying he's finished! I would have been disappointed had it not been for his sense of accomplishment. Low point of these weeks was watching everyone with their kids and feeling my own emptyness. Trust 'green within' to show it's appearance admist all the fun!  If I was still pregnant, these celebrations would be a totally different experience for me and I couldn't stop wondering how it would have felt.

TTC wise, I did get AF soon after my last post, and had the sonohysterogram last week. All clear. The fibroids I had are not obstructive enough to worry. This is going to be a natural cycle so no high hopes. So I am taking it bit easy on watching my diet and exercising. When I last fell pregnant, I had followed everything I planned to do quite strictly - from diet free of gluten, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, soy etc to regular excercise and lots of prayers and most importantly, belief. I doubt I will have the same ingredients ever again. Instead, I have an ever fluctuating levels in the hope-o-meter and low levels = low resolve for everything else. Only hope for me is if the frozen embiees are lot more resilient. We'll see.

TTC aside, I have talked to my previous boss and literally begged back my job that I walked out of. I need something else to focus on than babies, and what's better than a career? I still have a few weeks before I start, and head back to the crazies behind computer screens and phones at all odd hours, but I am looking forward to it already. I hope I can handle the stress a bit better now after reflecting on my way of working, for so long. I'll need to focus on uping my skills on a few weak areas too. But talking about other things beside IF here, and counting days to something ele is refreshing already for me. Daunting but exciting. Fingers crossed it's the right decision. I have a feeling it is...

At this moment, what I want from life is pretty simple. I just want to move ahead and stop looking back. All I am needing is for my body to cooperate so that I get AF and start thinking about the month ahead, look forward instead of back, rembering my loss. I will never forget my little angel I never got to meet, but I can't keep feeling sorry for the way it turned out. Why is that so hard, is beyond me. Guess because what I really really wanted in life, I never got easily. So it's just my rotten luck, promising never to leave my side.

I am sad thinking that everyone and everything is as usual, no change, except the hole in my heart. A hole I am trying my bestest to fill by giving it time. But the way my bloody body is behaving, it feels like reopening the wound everyday. Because I always had regular cycles, this wait screams abnormality to me, and that  reminds me of the cause every single day. It's not fair at all when I've been trying so hard to brave it. C'mon life, move forward, or in any direction at all, except back...I really could use it..

It's been a year full of uncountable blood tests and ultrasounds, few Clomid cycles, 2 fresh IVF cycles, 3 transfers resulting from these cycles, which led to 2 failed FETs, and 1 miscarriage. I'm also 3.5 years into my TTC journey, which has resulted in bucket loads of tears and heartache. Since my recent miscarriage, my heart has remained full, and spills through my eyes with the slightest encouragement from external factors. This 'journey' makes us stronger everyday, but also strips us of our faith and hope, and knocks us down again and again and again after we finally are back back in our feet. It's a very difficult journey, but through the blogs and other online support network, I am so thankful for not feeling alone here. I am always humbled by the strength of the amazing people I've come to know through this year. I'll keep praying that each of our infertility journeys ends soon for us...

As for my TTC update, I am getting used to the idea of waiting one more month. Not only can I do more scans, I'll also get more time for my body to heal. Hopefully we can have one FET this year before we head for our trip. We'll try naturally while we can't do IVF, but of course we won't hold our breath for a miracle those cycles, cause we know better.

I had an appointment with my FS (+Endocrinologist) yesterday, mostly to check my thyroid results she had sent me to do when I got pregnant. The thyroid results were fine, and I was quite happy that my TPO antibodies have been going down since I started the gluten free diet. It is now only 345 compared to 500 in July, and >1000 in March. So I am quite hopeful of this diet bringing good news.

, but the ultrasounds for the dating scan indicated that my fibroids had grown, and my FS wants me to get a sonohysterogram to check that my endometrium is fine. It has to be done after CD6 of my next cycle. I do have the option of doing it in parallel to the FET that I was planning for my next cycle, but there are two catches. Firstly, medicare will not cover the costs of any extra scans etc during an IVF(fresh/FET) cycle it seems..but that's not a huge amount of money, so that OK. Secondly, and most importantly, my FS suggested that I wait that cycle out, and do the FET after that cycle. She said it is necessary to recover completely, physically and emotionally after my miscarriage, so one more cycle where we just do a scan should do it. So she suggested scan in Oct, then FET in Nov, providing my cycles are not completely crazy after the miscarriage. The problem I have with that is that I was looking forward to 'using up' the two frozen embryos I have left this year this year, before going on a 6-week holiday visiting my folks in early December and taking a long break next year from all thing IVF. This of course was with the assumption that the two FETs at the end of this year will not work, same as the two FETs a the end of this year (and with my negative frame of mind right now, I can't expect more of life for now). With this new suggestion, I have my IVF thoughts following me well into my holiday and perhaps into the first quarter of the new year. I cannot understand what my fate is trying to tell me..I am tired of waiting and this uncertainty. With IVF, it feels like I am doing something concrete, but there is so much waiting around IVF, and I am tired of putting my life on hold. I know I will not be OK to overlook what my FS told me and just go ahead with the FET next month. I will also feel bad if I almost six months from now, I am exactly where I am right now. But I think I am still inclined to wait next year, than feel guilty that I wasted an embryo that might hold my future happiness. So I am sure it is just a long wait ahead for me. There is no moving forward.

I am sorry if I have stretched too long today. 2 glasses of wines are taking their effect - it had been a really long time since I last drank. I hope you all have a better weekend and future lined up for you...