Every 28 day or so, I debate wether or not to POAS. A day or so after that, I give in every month. While I wait for the lines, I imagine myself telling my DH that it is positive. I imagine his reaction. I imagine my pride and relief. Yes, pride. In proving that, no, I am not infertile. Every month, the imagination is cut short when there is just one line. That's it. Just how my life is. With or without medical intervention. With or without mental strength throughout the month earlier.

I wonder why, and I get no answer. I wish it was black and white instead of unexplained. But no, I get all the signs hinting the cycle might break this month, but they finally disappear into the oblivion, while I am left once more to try smile through it all, and march on to next month of the same thing.

Ok, you get it. I am frustrated. I want out. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as quitting my current job and looking for another. And even that, it seems, isn't that easy in this economy. Being unemployed for 10 months now after walking out of my job, I should know. I feel drained. I feel uninspired. I feel dull. I feel like not feeling anymore. It just sucks.

I am noticing that positiveness is becoming the theme of my posts. Either I get pissed off because someone blames me for the lack of it, or I get pissed off because someone is too positive of their own ability to procreate, or I am pissed off because all I am trying to do is stay positive, and IVF pushes me to the other edge. True enough to the theme, this is a disclaimer that today is going to be about the last 'type' of mention of positiveness, or the lack of.

Today is 10dp5dt. My officially test date is in 2 more days. But as everyone in the IVF journey will say, today is not 'too early' although everyone is unique, and for some, BFP (YES, another POSITIVE word that seems to elude from me) can take longer to appear. Anyway, all through this cycle, I tried to push away all negativity, and focus on the divine power as much as my religious inclination allowed. But the little voice kept gnawing at me. It was always there, although I would put the 'religious volume' up as soon as I found it trying to get control of me. At each turn of events, it crept up to my mind saying "what if this means ..?" before I realized, and yelled back that I was not listening to it. But of course the damage was done.

Anyway, back to POAS. Of course it was BFN this morning. I am not sure why I tested today. Of course as soon as I was sure it was BFN, the voice said I jinxed this cycle. I replied 'whatever', but my day was ruined. Another day wasted, as my mind isn't in anything anymore. I guess it will be easier on me on Thursday when I finally tell my husband the news that we didn't make it. Maybe Aunt F will help by coming in earlier. Either way, I am telling myself that this was an experimentation on staying positive, on hanging on hope. Next cycle, I will get myself to focus on something more tangible than controlling my mind. Like proper eating 100% of the time, keeping myself warm (even during summer!) or something like that. Stay tuned to see how that experimentation goes.

Oh alright, I will try my best to not let the little voice win either. After all, my future baby needs someone who doesn't give up so easily!