Yesterday morning, I thought I was going to be slightly late for the Embryo Transfer appointment, so I at first thought of not wearing any makeup at all (not that I wear much makeup, mind you). Then I thought, today might be the first day I met my first son/daughter! So I slapped on a simplistic rather hurried makeup on :)

I had been suggested to bring a comfortably full bladder. Its hard to decide how much makes you comfortably full, as you can only gauge the comfort label closer to the ET rather than when you drink the water. It is always a race against my willpower at the ET itself. We had the lovely Dr who did our first transfer, who is rather through and likes to talk to make us feel comfortable. However, I was in no mood to talk. I wanted it to be over so that I could rush to the toilet. Can't believe that after all the wait, all I could think at the ET was hope it is over soon!

The good news is that the embryo that we had transferred was of good quality. The embryologist said hatching Grade B. I am not sure how a hatching embryo could be anything but grade A, but I don't understand my clinic's grading, so I am not going to worry about it. I was happy with the word 'hatching'. We also had two to freeze. Absolutely awesome!

So now the TWW begins, and all the mental exercise it automatically brings with it. I'll have to try to steer it to the direction that is best for all of us around and inside me :)

I am not sure why it is so hard to get the inspiration to write here regularly. I guess with each round of disappointment, it gets harder to stay positive and pour my feelings for others to see (maybe, when I start getting more visitors, haha). Afraid that sounding too positive will jinx it. Afraid that sounding too negative will bring an equally negative outcome. I don't know, maybe its just damn excuses that I give for not wanting to do anything productive! Heavens have opened today, and I feel like just enjoying the downpour and kick back and relax, and just let the words flow, so here goes:

We had our ET last Saturday (Feb 15, CD15). This was again an unusual cycle for OPKs for me. The IC's showed positive from CD12-CD14. The OPKs that the clinic provided (the ones where you need to put in five drops in a small round area using a pipette!) were positive CD10-CD13 (I started them on CD10 only unfortunately). I had my first blood test on CD10, and they said I was already ovulating. So absolutely unsure that it means. At least it is now a hattrick that the first day I had blood tests to check for O, I was ovulating. On CD10 this time!! If there is ever going to be any other tests in the future, I am suggesting that I be tested on at least CD8 to begin with for sure.

Anyway, all the 5 remaining embryos were thawed. I got an sms that they all survived the thaw. But no more updates on the day of the ET. I was hoping and praying to god all along that this time its a good quality embryo. For some reason, I was thinking that my ET will be done by Dr Alan - the ET can be performed by any of the doctors in the clinic you see. I was hoping it would be our FS though. So when I saw Dr Alan in the clinic that Saturday morning, I was sure he was doing the ET, and that the embryo would not be of great quality. Of course Dr Alan was in the ET room, and I could not look at the embryo when I went into the room, as I was too nervous and continuously praying. So I was relieved when I finally looked, and the embryo looked a lot better than last time - not the perfect blastocyst, but very very close! The scientist came in and told us it was A Grade! Dr Alan did not use the ultrasound to guide, so the process was over pretty quick. DH did not manage to get the pic of the embryo at the first go. They showed the pic again after it was in the catherer, but it appeared pink - the scientist explained it was because of the microscope where the pic was taken from, but he first joked that its a baby girl. I so hope he was right though. That it is indeed my baby girl or boy that I will hold in my arms soon. Oh I hope so badly.

Post ET, I am yet to feel anything. I am using the Crinone that I had got left from the cancelled IVF cycle, and there were some cramping probably from it, in the beginning. But even that has passed. Crinone is messy, but not intolerable. I am glad we chose not to use it up last cycle, because with the better quality of the embryo, I feel that we have better chances this time. HPT Test day is next Wednesday, CD26. Till then, all I can do is keep my fingers and toes crossed, and not do anything stupid.

The day finally arrived

When I called up the nurses at the clinic to inquire about the progress of the thawed embryos, I was told that they thawed 4 (they were frozen in a batch of 4-4-1, so I guess they thawed the first batch), and they had all survived. I was also told that if I didn't hear from them anymore, it means good news, and that its a go ahead for ET. So yesterday morning, we arrived at the clinic, ready for the ET. I was a quite nervous while we waited for our turn. I had decided that this would be a cycle where I relax, and not obsess about things, and see how it goes fully naturally instead. So I tried my best to talk about random stuff with my husband, and not bring about any negativity and stress.

We didn't know who was going to do the ET until we actually arrived in the room, but it was good it see it was Dr. Smith, who was the senior-most doctor at our clinic, so I felt I was in good hands. He was very relaxed, and tried to hold a conversation while he did his thing. In less than 10 minutes, we were out of the room, and officially a PUPO!!

Mixed feelings

Positiveness is a double-edged sword - to remain completely positive, you have to push any negative thoughts away. That's what I did, as I was feeling completely positive about this cycle. Until I got the news about our embryos. It wasn't all doom of course, as I did have the transfer. But while I was expecting till that morning that some of the remaining embryos to be of A-grade so they could be re-frozen, I was told instead that the one that had developed the most was an early morula at best. The rest (3) had stopped growing. So while I was very happy that I had 9 embryos that meant a lot of shots at FET for me, I realised that I actually had one (maximum two) more shots only before me. I am not sure why, but that hit me pretty badly. On top of that, the doctor tried to show me the process via ultrasound, but had a hard time doing it because my ovary was retroverted. So at possibly the most important time in my life, my positiveness completely left me! 

After the procedure, since the doctors did not tell me I need to rest specifically, we decided to eat our lunch at a yum-cha place that we had said we wanted to try for last year or two. Another disappointment, as the place had hardly any customers, and when we reached there, the food was already cold. Things got worse for me because when I expressed my feelings to my husband, his response sounded to me like someone who was detached from the whole process, and was there only to support me through what I wanted - no worries, no excitement, no anticipation, no nothing! I did not expect him to want to cry with me of course, but I expected him to have some emotions, tell me off for being negative even, instead of an acting like a mere observer! He is a great guy, and I know he will be a great dad, but sometimes, his reactions just pisses me off, and he blames it on his male genes, the excuse I utterly despise. 

And I am angry with myself for focusing on the negativity instead of the miracle inside me. I am sure I will snap out of it pretty soon though, and my little trot inside me is reminding me of its presence with some mild cramps already. I really hope that it decides to stay around, as it will be much much much loved!