The last few weeks of 'not trying' has been bitter sweet. I am enjoying eating carbs, drinking, and not controlling my other food intakes, and not making any plans. But I still have to remind myself that its OK to do so, as I am on a break, and sometimes that just spoils the fun. Also, I should have learnt not to hope, especially for a natural cycle, but nope, I day dream about miracles all the time. And get crushed when reality come in and AF visits instead. I've also been a big mess - whenever I had a few spare moments to think, I started noticing children around me and instantly feeling sad. The sight of children used to bring up a smile, but that has changed so much these days, I can only conclude that I am going loopy. I know I am moving further away from everyone, slowly, inch by inch. I am really hoping that its just temporary.

For now, I'm in Europe for work again. It seems my job requires much more travelling than it did 2 years ago when I left. I usually like travelling, but the frequent travel requirement is trying to make me lose my cool. I'm away for 4 weeks this time, and already they are talking of sending me back here in April for 3 more weeks. At this rate, if I am away almost half the year, TTC will take the back bench for unintended who-knows-how-many months. Unfortunately with the body clock ticking, I don't really have the luxury to just relax and let my job come first. Not when I know how much of a hard work it is, each cycle we really decide to try (as in get help from science), and how long it can really take. Don't get me wrong, I am on a break from TTC due to my own decision.  And the break was prolonged due to both me and my husband travelling for work, which I am fine about. But I want to get back on the TTC route soon. And its not like we can just plan our dates to just lie in the few weeks I AM home. For now, it looks like my dates  are going to be around Easter time, so I think we might be able to squeeze in the FET before my next travel, but leaving so soon after an FET won't do anything to the increase my already reducing confidence that it will work. And I'll have to travel with the 400mg daily progesterone pressaries, and worry about sourcing it overseas in case I run out of it. So I'm not sure what we are doing yet. I'm not liking this idea of the universe not being in my side for a small chance at happiness that I have been craving for so long. I should have been used to it now, but it seems I never learn...

I did a 180 degrees flip right after my last post. After a long time, I had high hopes for the last cycle. I had pimples all over my face and body, I was tired as hell, and I was even getting bouts of dizziness. I usually had spotting days before my AF begins, but I was expecting AF on Christmas day, but no signs till Christmas eve. So after all the prayers and feeling really blessed in November, I was thinking this is it, I am going to have my very first successful natural cycle. And I was determined to do all my best to make this one last the whole way. Little did I know that all the blessings mean nothing, and all the symptoms were just because of my tiredness due to travel, and due to the change in food. I was looking forward to getting home on boxing day, and my best (late) Christmas present being two lines. So when I landed in the UK for my first transit, I was as excited as a little child on a Christmas eve. But I started bleeding on the plane in the next leg of my flight. Rest of the flight was a blur. I cried on my way home from the airport after landing really early on boxing day. Then slept the day away. Forced myself to get up at 6pm, and help my sister with the Christmas celebrations we had planned.

After that, I decided to take a loooong break from TTC. I have had enough of this mindfuck. I felt like I deserve more. So I am off all my tens of different supplements, off my gluten free diet, I am drinking whenever I feel like, drinking as many cups of tea as I want, and the list goes on.  But unfortunately, I am finding this is not easy either. I am surrounded each and every moment by unexplained grief, and I cannot see the fun side of anything. I am not enjoying the freedom from medications or food and drink restrictions. Perhaps I had ‘something’ to do before this, and now I don’t and that is making this harder. Memories of the little angel I lost just keep coming back. Work is a real escape, but at this time of the year, that is slow too. Retail therapy helps a little bit, but there is only so much you can shop.

At this stage, I am not sure where I am heading next, as all of this is really hard. I want out, at least for a little while, but it seems not trying is harder. I may take a break from blogging too, but maybe not, as this is the only place I can vent. Even though almost no one reads it.

Sorry for the really low note in this post. I really hope that you have a better plans for new year celebrations than me, and you have a great year.

Looking back at my posts, I see a lot of negativity in all of them. Its true that life felt like shit for a large part of 2014, but there were some highs. The relationship with my husband grew a lot stronger, and that warms my heart very much. I also had a chance to feel how its like to be pregnant, no matter how short it was. I'll always miss my little angel baby, and my tears haven't stopped flowing each time I remember the little heartbeat I heard once, but she has given me hope, and certainty that I want to be a mom. My family and friends who try so hard to support me and not say anything that would hurt me, they have been brilliant. And believe it or not, it feels great to be back at work again.


I'm writing this today, not because my period is just a tinsy wincy bit late and I am hopeful, but because I had been meaning to write this since I reread my last post early last week. I am heading back home, and writing this from the plane somewhere above Brussels (to be published later). The sunset, and the fluffy clouds below calming me right down. It's a bit sad that I'll miss being home for Christmas, but we decided that at our home, we'll celebrate Christmas on boxing day this year, just so that I can be a part of it, so I'm looking forward to it. I was busy with work all week, but took some time to make some elaborate meal plans from the hotel last weekend and my family already has things bought and ready to go for the 26th. I know it'll be very tiring as I land after 26 hour journey, but I think I'll enjoy it anyway. So I'll suck it up and say goodbye to 2014 nicely. Hopefully she'll have (more) great memories for me in these last few days.

I am not sure if I was looking forward to this Christmas or not. We, meaning me and husband, and a couple of close knit friends, have had the last few Christmas rotating on celebrating Christmas at our places. Mostly young couples like us. To be honest, I had always liked the part where we made the lovely food and opened the presents. But with the last few months particularly, I am dreading any get togethers with our close friends who are all turning from couple to family one by one recently. So in one way, I was looking forward to the distraction of organising and planning all the food and gifts, while in the other hand, I was dreading another emotional near-breakdown.
Well, I've been put out of my misery - well, almost! I've been asked to travel to work, and I'll be in Romania till the 24th afternoon. 24 hours flight later, I will land in Sydney on the 26th. So, not only will I be flying on Christmas, I will have the shortest Christmas ever due to the time difference. To top it up, someone or the other will be travelling the whole December in our small office, so the Christmas party this year has been shifted to a new year gathering sometime next year. I hope they have some Christmas spirit in the plane itself. Some googling said our carrier Qantas rarely does, so I am not putting my hopes up.

TTC wise, all the travel that me and my hubby have to do for work in the next few months unfortunately means that all the 'good days', we are going to be spending them separately until March (and only because I am not assigned to travel in March YET). We were able to sneak in a week this week by changing dear hubbys plans, and for a long while, this is going to be it. IVF is not even in the cards at the moment. So if this one week doesn't bring in any luck, I am not likely to have a 2015 baby!  That thought is already driving me crazy. No pressure December, but please please please become my favouritest month!!

So, I was back at work this week. On the very first day, I was disappointed that the office was further than I thought from the train station. Minimum 2 hours of travel one way is already making me feel dull.

On top of that, it seems our small Sydney office was showering with babies in the 1.5 years I was gone. 2 of the 3 ladies pregnant (third does not have a serious relationship yet I think), and 3 of the 6 men became new fathers (remaining either already have grown-up children or not into babies yet). So yes, I missed out on the baby express when I left work. Or maybe I just saved myself a LOT of heartache watching all others invite babies in their world.I'm again surrounded by pregnant people - in the office, on the street or train, or in Facebook. I had disabled Facebook because of this, but now that I am surrounded by this in real life, I might as well accept the 'virtual world' and face it head on. 1.5 years ago, I was proud that babies and baby news did not affect me. Now it just saps any positivity I have. Happy moms, either just starting the new journey, or enjoying their children going to school, or inviting their second child - all makes me go green. This may never change, but I better get used to it than try to hide it. I may be permanently recognized as the green lady one day, but so be it. This is my life. I just have to live it.