Every 28 day or so, I debate wether or not to POAS. A day or so after that, I give in every month. While I wait for the lines, I imagine myself telling my DH that it is positive. I imagine his reaction. I imagine my pride and relief. Yes, pride. In proving that, no, I am not infertile. Every month, the imagination is cut short when there is just one line. That's it. Just how my life is. With or without medical intervention. With or without mental strength throughout the month earlier.

I wonder why, and I get no answer. I wish it was black and white instead of unexplained. But no, I get all the signs hinting the cycle might break this month, but they finally disappear into the oblivion, while I am left once more to try smile through it all, and march on to next month of the same thing.

Ok, you get it. I am frustrated. I want out. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as quitting my current job and looking for another. And even that, it seems, isn't that easy in this economy. Being unemployed for 10 months now after walking out of my job, I should know. I feel drained. I feel uninspired. I feel dull. I feel like not feeling anymore. It just sucks.

What's with new babies popping up everywhere this January? We went to visit 2 different hospitals to see the new bub and mom in the same day last weekend. Facebook is full of few others, and just today, saw in facebook that my cousin has had a baby. I am not too close with them, so I did not know they were expecting. Just two years or so back, my cousin's parents were really worried that he was getting old without getting married. Within these two years, he's now a dad. I am happy for him, but I think he married someone who is much older than me, and so I am just disappointed that if it could happen so easily for them, why is it proving harder and harder for me?

The official test day was today. As expected, the second line did not appear. I was almost ready for that outcome. But of course I had been praying from the depth of my heart for an overnight miracle, and it did not happen. No AF yet, but I can almost hear the knock at the door. Until then, I have teeny tiny hope at the back of my heart, but otherwise, just waiting for the announcement that it is here to confirm that I have failed again. Second, very very costly failure since I became jobless.

Since it was a natural cycle, I am hoping that they will allow me to go for another FET cycle straight away, but I guess I will know soon.  Also trying to talk to my FS before the cycle is well underway.

I am noticing that positiveness is becoming the theme of my posts. Either I get pissed off because someone blames me for the lack of it, or I get pissed off because someone is too positive of their own ability to procreate, or I am pissed off because all I am trying to do is stay positive, and IVF pushes me to the other edge. True enough to the theme, this is a disclaimer that today is going to be about the last 'type' of mention of positiveness, or the lack of.

Today is 10dp5dt. My officially test date is in 2 more days. But as everyone in the IVF journey will say, today is not 'too early' although everyone is unique, and for some, BFP (YES, another POSITIVE word that seems to elude from me) can take longer to appear. Anyway, all through this cycle, I tried to push away all negativity, and focus on the divine power as much as my religious inclination allowed. But the little voice kept gnawing at me. It was always there, although I would put the 'religious volume' up as soon as I found it trying to get control of me. At each turn of events, it crept up to my mind saying "what if this means ..?" before I realized, and yelled back that I was not listening to it. But of course the damage was done.

Anyway, back to POAS. Of course it was BFN this morning. I am not sure why I tested today. Of course as soon as I was sure it was BFN, the voice said I jinxed this cycle. I replied 'whatever', but my day was ruined. Another day wasted, as my mind isn't in anything anymore. I guess it will be easier on me on Thursday when I finally tell my husband the news that we didn't make it. Maybe Aunt F will help by coming in earlier. Either way, I am telling myself that this was an experimentation on staying positive, on hanging on hope. Next cycle, I will get myself to focus on something more tangible than controlling my mind. Like proper eating 100% of the time, keeping myself warm (even during summer!) or something like that. Stay tuned to see how that experimentation goes.

Oh alright, I will try my best to not let the little voice win either. After all, my future baby needs someone who doesn't give up so easily!

The day finally arrived

When I called up the nurses at the clinic to inquire about the progress of the thawed embryos, I was told that they thawed 4 (they were frozen in a batch of 4-4-1, so I guess they thawed the first batch), and they had all survived. I was also told that if I didn't hear from them anymore, it means good news, and that its a go ahead for ET. So yesterday morning, we arrived at the clinic, ready for the ET. I was a quite nervous while we waited for our turn. I had decided that this would be a cycle where I relax, and not obsess about things, and see how it goes fully naturally instead. So I tried my best to talk about random stuff with my husband, and not bring about any negativity and stress.

We didn't know who was going to do the ET until we actually arrived in the room, but it was good it see it was Dr. Smith, who was the senior-most doctor at our clinic, so I felt I was in good hands. He was very relaxed, and tried to hold a conversation while he did his thing. In less than 10 minutes, we were out of the room, and officially a PUPO!!

Mixed feelings

Positiveness is a double-edged sword - to remain completely positive, you have to push any negative thoughts away. That's what I did, as I was feeling completely positive about this cycle. Until I got the news about our embryos. It wasn't all doom of course, as I did have the transfer. But while I was expecting till that morning that some of the remaining embryos to be of A-grade so they could be re-frozen, I was told instead that the one that had developed the most was an early morula at best. The rest (3) had stopped growing. So while I was very happy that I had 9 embryos that meant a lot of shots at FET for me, I realised that I actually had one (maximum two) more shots only before me. I am not sure why, but that hit me pretty badly. On top of that, the doctor tried to show me the process via ultrasound, but had a hard time doing it because my ovary was retroverted. So at possibly the most important time in my life, my positiveness completely left me! 

After the procedure, since the doctors did not tell me I need to rest specifically, we decided to eat our lunch at a yum-cha place that we had said we wanted to try for last year or two. Another disappointment, as the place had hardly any customers, and when we reached there, the food was already cold. Things got worse for me because when I expressed my feelings to my husband, his response sounded to me like someone who was detached from the whole process, and was there only to support me through what I wanted - no worries, no excitement, no anticipation, no nothing! I did not expect him to want to cry with me of course, but I expected him to have some emotions, tell me off for being negative even, instead of an acting like a mere observer! He is a great guy, and I know he will be a great dad, but sometimes, his reactions just pisses me off, and he blames it on his male genes, the excuse I utterly despise. 

And I am angry with myself for focusing on the negativity instead of the miracle inside me. I am sure I will snap out of it pretty soon though, and my little trot inside me is reminding me of its presence with some mild cramps already. I really hope that it decides to stay around, as it will be much much much loved!

During December, I was so sure that my AF will appear during Christmas break when our clinic was closed which would mean I would have to wait the next period to start FET. Christmas, and new year came and went, and 2014 promised a good beginning as AF arrived on the 4th of Jan instead, when the clinic was fully open and back in business. So yes, that mean's I am registered for the FET finally. The nurses mailed me the paper work, and also called me last Friday to explain the process, at least the first part of it. I was booked for a blood test on CD12, but since I O'ed on 11th back in Sept, I did not want to take the risk, so I asked them to test me on CD11 instead, which was yesterday. Later in the afternoon, they sms'ed me saying I was ovulating and that they have booked the transfer for Sunday!
The O part was a bit confusing, because the OPK (IC's) was not positive when I tested before I left for bloods. So I tested after getting the SMS, and it wasn't a full positive yet. I did another one this morning, and finally the test line instantly showed up and was darker than the control line. But I decided to trust the blood test, and forget about the OPKs.
I then went for an ultra sound too this morning. A quick one, where I was confirmed that the endometrium thickness was great (12mm). I was also told that the left ovary has one follicle ready to ovulate, so of course either we don't BD, or risk having twins.
What I don't know yet is any news about the thawing embabies. I wanted to be totally relaxed this cycle (and its so much easier to do that in an FET cycle than a full IVF cycle!), so I haven't taken a lot of thought into what I eat and don't eat except of course the prenatals that has folic acid too. I guess I will find out soon enough if it was a good idea or not!