Official test date today. Our clinic only provides home pregnancy tests, no blood tests. And of course, the test was negative...

I woke up very early this morning as I had an initial phone interview for a job at 7:30, and I wanted to do some last minute preparations too. As FMU is preferred for the test, I held 'it' in while I did the pre-test preperations - call on the heavenly powers, take long breaths, etc. After I did the test, it was the longest 5 minutes ever. And I could not believe that at the end of it, it was one bloody line :(  My poor A-Grade embryo! What happened to you?

The job interview was short and sweet, and DH and I took a few moments to express our frustration, and decide on what to do next. We decided that this was taking up too much of our lives, and we will take a (short?) break. Since both the FET's were natural FET's, they could be taken back to back, and I could start the next full cycle as soon as AF decides to visit. But we said, at least lets not do it this month right away. We will take a break from all this.

Surprisingly, my FS called me this afternoon. She had told me in the last appointment that I could do the Antagonist cycle. Today, she mentioned that since my first cycle was cancelled due to elevated P4 levels, Antag may not be the way to go. When I mentioned that I don't want to do another Long Down cycle if there is no other changes, as the P4 may rise again. So she mentioned about giving additional Hg(?) which lowers the risk, and mentioned closer monitoring. Whatever we do, we'll need to plan that cycle so that the potential egg collection is not on a weekend, as the clinic does not do egg collections on a weekend, as so last time, it was pushed back to Monday. I mentioned to her that we were thinking of taking a break, and she told me to inform her whenever we decide to 'resume', so that she can give the clinic a go ahead to arrange stuff for me. Although Antag would have been nice because the actual process only lasts a month, I think I am more comfortable about doing the long down with closed monitoring. The FS mentioned that I do not need to take pills this time for the long down cycle, as I was getting regular periods. So effectively it would be only a bit more than 5 weeks anyway of me doing something for the long down cycle anyway, so it is probably alright.

I'll probably still find reasons to come back and blog. As you never completely give up, even when you are taking a break, do you?

Till then, leaving you a song from Katy Perry - Unconditionally

I am not a hugely religious person. 

But since mid Jan or so,I felt a calling. 

I gave my hope and faith to the Almighty, and as a return, had peace in myself.

The voice of doubt was there, but I felt strong that he will look after me. 

Come as you are to me.

Don't need apologies.

Know that you are of worthy.

I take your bad days with your good.

Walk with the storm I would.

I do because I love you.

Unconditionally

My faith has been shaken again today, but I hope that I can be as unconditional as I know God's love for me is.

And I never thought I would ever convert a Katy Perry song to a religious ballad (a sentimental or romantic popular song, according to the dictionary)! 

I could not make myself come here to do any post for the last couple of weeks. I was afraid of sharing my thoughts and jinxing it first, then I was too disappointed later.

IVF #1

After the first FS appointment at the clinic, I was lucky to start almost immediately. There were hurdles. It looked like I might not get the nurse appointment before my jabs are to start. Or due to my FIL's health scare, it looked like my husband may not be able to make it back to Australia on time. But thinks sorted themselves out. 

The first few weeks of pills were crazy. Felt like I was going backwards, but I knew it was for the best. The Lucrin injections started towards week 3, and I was more excited with each passing day. When I had the next appointment to collect/start Gonal-F, I am sure I almost had spring in my steps! My husband was away, but it was fine. It was looking more and more sure that he would be back on time for the all important egg collection. 

I had my first blood test on 12th (CD10). My husband came back on the 13th. We had a small birthday celebration for him on the 14th. I had ultrasound on 14th. The US was a bit weird - my FS was trying to learn how to do the US, and I was the subject! But the main thing that had me worried was when the FS said they will have to monitor my progesterone, as it might get too high before the EPU, which would mean cycle cancellation!! I was asked to do another round of BT on 16th which was a Saturday. 

The call

A very good friend was staying over the weekend, so we decided to go to movies that Saturday. The nurse had said she would probably call before 3pm, so at 3pm, I relaxed. At 3:30, I got the call inside the theatre :( It was going to be a freeze-all because the progesterone was above their cut off level of 5. They said high level of P4 means reduction in chance of a pregnancy by 50%, and the body will be out of sync for the implantation to be successful. First time in my life, I cried out loudly inside a movie theatre. Ironically, the movie was not sentimental. They had some sad scenes though, so hopefully they just thought I was a crazy emotional person. I triggered that night for EPU on Monday. 

My snowbabies

The EPU on Monday went as scheduled. Small chat with "fellow EPU'ers" in strange surgery gown, followed by a theatre full of too many people to confuse me. Luckily the sedative took over, and I found "14" written on my hand when I woke up. 14 eggs. 9 fertilized the next day. The clinic protocol meant they were all frozen that day, so we don't really know what their qualities are. We have to wait at least one more cycle before we can do FET. Due to clinic closure during the Christmas period, it is likely I will have to wait till end of Jan to start. 

I have yet to feel excited about my snowbabies. My excitement was cut short too prematurely for me. But I know the disappointment will go away, and the hope will come back, and so will my love for my little ones, who are just waiting for me...