Official test date today. Our clinic only provides home pregnancy tests, no blood tests. And of course, the test was negative...

I woke up very early this morning as I had an initial phone interview for a job at 7:30, and I wanted to do some last minute preparations too. As FMU is preferred for the test, I held 'it' in while I did the pre-test preperations - call on the heavenly powers, take long breaths, etc. After I did the test, it was the longest 5 minutes ever. And I could not believe that at the end of it, it was one bloody line :(  My poor A-Grade embryo! What happened to you?

The job interview was short and sweet, and DH and I took a few moments to express our frustration, and decide on what to do next. We decided that this was taking up too much of our lives, and we will take a (short?) break. Since both the FET's were natural FET's, they could be taken back to back, and I could start the next full cycle as soon as AF decides to visit. But we said, at least lets not do it this month right away. We will take a break from all this.

Surprisingly, my FS called me this afternoon. She had told me in the last appointment that I could do the Antagonist cycle. Today, she mentioned that since my first cycle was cancelled due to elevated P4 levels, Antag may not be the way to go. When I mentioned that I don't want to do another Long Down cycle if there is no other changes, as the P4 may rise again. So she mentioned about giving additional Hg(?) which lowers the risk, and mentioned closer monitoring. Whatever we do, we'll need to plan that cycle so that the potential egg collection is not on a weekend, as the clinic does not do egg collections on a weekend, as so last time, it was pushed back to Monday. I mentioned to her that we were thinking of taking a break, and she told me to inform her whenever we decide to 'resume', so that she can give the clinic a go ahead to arrange stuff for me. Although Antag would have been nice because the actual process only lasts a month, I think I am more comfortable about doing the long down with closed monitoring. The FS mentioned that I do not need to take pills this time for the long down cycle, as I was getting regular periods. So effectively it would be only a bit more than 5 weeks anyway of me doing something for the long down cycle anyway, so it is probably alright.

I'll probably still find reasons to come back and blog. As you never completely give up, even when you are taking a break, do you?

Till then, leaving you a song from Katy Perry - Unconditionally

I am not a hugely religious person. 

But since mid Jan or so,I felt a calling. 

I gave my hope and faith to the Almighty, and as a return, had peace in myself.

The voice of doubt was there, but I felt strong that he will look after me. 

Come as you are to me.

Don't need apologies.

Know that you are of worthy.

I take your bad days with your good.

Walk with the storm I would.

I do because I love you.

Unconditionally

My faith has been shaken again today, but I hope that I can be as unconditional as I know God's love for me is.

And I never thought I would ever convert a Katy Perry song to a religious ballad (a sentimental or romantic popular song, according to the dictionary)! 

Bad eggs

I wrote before about how I was disappointed with the embryo quality at the ET, and was feeling guilty about it. I had an appointment with the FS yesterday, and she confirmed what I 'knew' then was true. The embryo's quality was crap. It wasn't even a morula at when it was transferred. More than 10 cells they said in the report. I am not sure why I heard 'near blastocyst' during ET that day (I thought I knew what the embryos were supposed to look like on various days after all the google support that I take!).  

Looking forward

I asked her what I could do to make the quality better if we have to do another IVF round in the future, and she suggested more folic acid (only). I am not 100% sold on that though. I know folic acid means less chances of abnormality in terms of number of chromosomes that are present in the embryo etc, but I am not sure if that affects how the embryos grow day to day. I will add it to my daily routine anyway of course. 

Since I am doing natural FET's, if this round of FET is the same as the last, I can start an IVF cycle right away, so as early as March. She also mentioned that since I have regular periods, I will go through the shorter Antagonist cycle this time. No specific reason, except that its short. I was told, the egg quality/quantity may or may not be better. So, before my 35th birthday, I guess I may have a better indication of if my eggs had been crap all along or not. 

With P4, they will try to have the EPU earlier next cycle, provided it doesn't fall in the weekend, as the clinic does not do EPU's over the weekend! No change in dosage or anything, as I had responded fine in the last cycle. 

Bad batch?

We also discussed about what differences we can expect in this FET that I have booked this month. We discussed the possibility of this cycle being better, but also the equal or maybe higher chances that the embryos are the same or worse quality. One out of 4 lasted to >10 cell stage in the last cycle. There may be a miracle in the 5 that are left in freezer, but there may not be. Guess we'll just have to wait and see. When I specifically asked the question, I was told that I could ask to NOT put the embryos back at ET after seeing the embryo and deciding they are not developed enough. I am yet to find the financial implications of that, and if we would be strong enough to make the decision on that day...