I am noticing that positiveness is becoming the theme of my posts. Either I get pissed off because someone blames me for the lack of it, or I get pissed off because someone is too positive of their own ability to procreate, or I am pissed off because all I am trying to do is stay positive, and IVF pushes me to the other edge. True enough to the theme, this is a disclaimer that today is going to be about the last 'type' of mention of positiveness, or the lack of.

Today is 10dp5dt. My officially test date is in 2 more days. But as everyone in the IVF journey will say, today is not 'too early' although everyone is unique, and for some, BFP (YES, another POSITIVE word that seems to elude from me) can take longer to appear. Anyway, all through this cycle, I tried to push away all negativity, and focus on the divine power as much as my religious inclination allowed. But the little voice kept gnawing at me. It was always there, although I would put the 'religious volume' up as soon as I found it trying to get control of me. At each turn of events, it crept up to my mind saying "what if this means ..?" before I realized, and yelled back that I was not listening to it. But of course the damage was done.

Anyway, back to POAS. Of course it was BFN this morning. I am not sure why I tested today. Of course as soon as I was sure it was BFN, the voice said I jinxed this cycle. I replied 'whatever', but my day was ruined. Another day wasted, as my mind isn't in anything anymore. I guess it will be easier on me on Thursday when I finally tell my husband the news that we didn't make it. Maybe Aunt F will help by coming in earlier. Either way, I am telling myself that this was an experimentation on staying positive, on hanging on hope. Next cycle, I will get myself to focus on something more tangible than controlling my mind. Like proper eating 100% of the time, keeping myself warm (even during summer!) or something like that. Stay tuned to see how that experimentation goes.

Oh alright, I will try my best to not let the little voice win either. After all, my future baby needs someone who doesn't give up so easily!

The day finally arrived

When I called up the nurses at the clinic to inquire about the progress of the thawed embryos, I was told that they thawed 4 (they were frozen in a batch of 4-4-1, so I guess they thawed the first batch), and they had all survived. I was also told that if I didn't hear from them anymore, it means good news, and that its a go ahead for ET. So yesterday morning, we arrived at the clinic, ready for the ET. I was a quite nervous while we waited for our turn. I had decided that this would be a cycle where I relax, and not obsess about things, and see how it goes fully naturally instead. So I tried my best to talk about random stuff with my husband, and not bring about any negativity and stress.

We didn't know who was going to do the ET until we actually arrived in the room, but it was good it see it was Dr. Smith, who was the senior-most doctor at our clinic, so I felt I was in good hands. He was very relaxed, and tried to hold a conversation while he did his thing. In less than 10 minutes, we were out of the room, and officially a PUPO!!

Mixed feelings

Positiveness is a double-edged sword - to remain completely positive, you have to push any negative thoughts away. That's what I did, as I was feeling completely positive about this cycle. Until I got the news about our embryos. It wasn't all doom of course, as I did have the transfer. But while I was expecting till that morning that some of the remaining embryos to be of A-grade so they could be re-frozen, I was told instead that the one that had developed the most was an early morula at best. The rest (3) had stopped growing. So while I was very happy that I had 9 embryos that meant a lot of shots at FET for me, I realised that I actually had one (maximum two) more shots only before me. I am not sure why, but that hit me pretty badly. On top of that, the doctor tried to show me the process via ultrasound, but had a hard time doing it because my ovary was retroverted. So at possibly the most important time in my life, my positiveness completely left me! 

After the procedure, since the doctors did not tell me I need to rest specifically, we decided to eat our lunch at a yum-cha place that we had said we wanted to try for last year or two. Another disappointment, as the place had hardly any customers, and when we reached there, the food was already cold. Things got worse for me because when I expressed my feelings to my husband, his response sounded to me like someone who was detached from the whole process, and was there only to support me through what I wanted - no worries, no excitement, no anticipation, no nothing! I did not expect him to want to cry with me of course, but I expected him to have some emotions, tell me off for being negative even, instead of an acting like a mere observer! He is a great guy, and I know he will be a great dad, but sometimes, his reactions just pisses me off, and he blames it on his male genes, the excuse I utterly despise. 

And I am angry with myself for focusing on the negativity instead of the miracle inside me. I am sure I will snap out of it pretty soon though, and my little trot inside me is reminding me of its presence with some mild cramps already. I really hope that it decides to stay around, as it will be much much much loved!

During December, I was so sure that my AF will appear during Christmas break when our clinic was closed which would mean I would have to wait the next period to start FET. Christmas, and new year came and went, and 2014 promised a good beginning as AF arrived on the 4th of Jan instead, when the clinic was fully open and back in business. So yes, that mean's I am registered for the FET finally. The nurses mailed me the paper work, and also called me last Friday to explain the process, at least the first part of it. I was booked for a blood test on CD12, but since I O'ed on 11th back in Sept, I did not want to take the risk, so I asked them to test me on CD11 instead, which was yesterday. Later in the afternoon, they sms'ed me saying I was ovulating and that they have booked the transfer for Sunday!
The O part was a bit confusing, because the OPK (IC's) was not positive when I tested before I left for bloods. So I tested after getting the SMS, and it wasn't a full positive yet. I did another one this morning, and finally the test line instantly showed up and was darker than the control line. But I decided to trust the blood test, and forget about the OPKs.
I then went for an ultra sound too this morning. A quick one, where I was confirmed that the endometrium thickness was great (12mm). I was also told that the left ovary has one follicle ready to ovulate, so of course either we don't BD, or risk having twins.
What I don't know yet is any news about the thawing embabies. I wanted to be totally relaxed this cycle (and its so much easier to do that in an FET cycle than a full IVF cycle!), so I haven't taken a lot of thought into what I eat and don't eat except of course the prenatals that has folic acid too. I guess I will find out soon enough if it was a good idea or not!

I could not sleep much last night. Lots of conversations in my head. I lay wondering why I was at this state of my life. Why almost every day there were tears at the brink of my eyes? Why was my body refusing to co-operate and give me what I wanted? Why I was getting one after another job rejections? And why did I have to leave my job in the first place? And so many more questions I could not find any answers to.

Even after all these months, I haven't regretted leaving my job though. I knew what I wanted (a baby) stronger than getting a raise after working countless overtime hours. And I would make the same decision if I had to choose again. I just wish I didn't have to make a choice though. Because even with the stress, I was very happy with what I had achieved in a short time at that job. Its crushing to feel the pride I built up while in that role, diminish with each time another company tells me I am not suited for their role.

There are a few things I regret about my TTC journey though. For a long time, I was too much focused on eating the right things and checking for pregnancy symptoms than doing the needful at the right time of the month. There were also times when I would start the month with renewed positiveness, but the stress of getting it right that month built up, leading to clashes with my H on the most important day. Guess you could call it performance anxiety on my part, otherwise why would I feel sorry about my disloyal body at that instant?

But otherwise, I do try very hard to give it the best chance every month. Eat healthier, improve our sleep pattern, exercise more, take the right supplements, use the right stuff, or whatever else I found advised as something we should do to improve my chances. I get disheartened with the terrible results of the experimentation (it is just experiment after all, if you think about it technically), but I move on, and try a bit more. After all, no matter what anyone says or thinks, I am here to stick through the journey. I will do anything that it takes.

A song someone posted in their blog, that I found was beautiful, so had to share:

I went to a birthday party of a 2 year old today. The boy barely understood what it is about, although he did enjoy when everyone sang Happy Birthday to him, and loved the Thomas cake. But more than the kids, I think the parents enjoyed it. The parents had called all their old friends and their families. I met a lot of people that I hadn't met for ages. And there was my regular group of friends too. All in all, there were 2 pregnant ladies, one who just recently gave birth, and uncountable other friends who had just gone from single, 4 years ago, to married with one or two kids today. It was lovely to meet them, but at times I felt like I was watching them all from the outside and did not feel a part of the group. I was not jealous, and loved playing with the kids, but I was also sad that I was 'left behind' while others moved on with their lives. Everyone there probably had their own stories and worries, but I felt blah, so decided to come here today to pour out my sob story(ies) to compare if anyone cares.

My job hunt

So among the 50 or so people that were there today, and maybe around 30 or so I talked to, there were 7 people looking for a job (including me of course). What's up with that? I probably had the most to whinge though as I have been out of a job the longest. And my wounds are still fresh after another failed attempt of a pathetic job interview last week after applying to more than a dozen jobs in a week. After working for two years as a Project Manager, I guess I am not cut out for a full PM job yet, and too senior to be in a junior PM role. And with each day and each declined (or disregarded) job application, my confidence is just slipping further down, and after 9 months, is almost non-existent. How can anyone trust a PM who is not confident? I pick myself up and force myself to apply to new jobs, but each application is sent with less and less hope of getting me anywhere. If I was 'knocked up' the day I left my job, I would be a in the happy-mother-to-be group today!

My weight

I have two people at home trying to lose weight. The healthy way. I am desperately trying to gain weight, like for my whole life, and "luckily", I also need to do it the healthy way because I am TTC. Healthy meals that help some of us lose weight, and me gain weight instead? I haven't got it quite right yet. I have added the "daily exercise" and "lots of water" bit, but it feels like I cannot find anything to eat that is good for TTC, and also good for my fussy palate. So one day, I congratulate myself that in these 9 months, at least I am 0.5 kg nearer to my goal weight, and the next day, I'm back to the original weight. It was probably that extra litre of water after all. Trust me, gaining weight is as frustrating as losing weight. Or maybe more.

My TTC woes

So after my freeze-all cycle, I need to wait a full month before the FET. Make it two full months because my clinic is closed during Christmas and New Year, and my AF is very likely to show exactly while they are closed, so I cannot start that month. So two months of trying naturally. Maybe even after reading so much about it, we were just doing it wrong the last two and half years. Maybe its just that I didn't have enough CM then. Maybe its just, oh I don't know what. But I have two months of trying to find hope that we "gave up" when we turned to IVF. It is not helping that the IC OPKs are playing tricks on me this month, and showing two lines developing one day, and just one line the next, and then again two lines the next. Does that mean I missed ovulation? Or will it mean I will just ovulate late (and oh oh, it might mean I have a late period that falls after the clinic opens, so that I won't need to wait one more month!!)?

All these things, my mind tells me I have some control over, and will eventually get there - all I need is more dedication, hard work, and a truck load of patience. But I think most important of all is that, I need luck on my side. I cannot wait for 2014. 13 is perhaps not my lucky number. But does lady luck just look at the new year fireworks and decide on which person to move on to? Oh I hope so! Desperately! And that she chooses me, me, me!