Everyday’s a journey

(I've decided to move my blog from wordpress to blogspot, so moved my very first blog from a few days ago here below:)

True That. Although, everyday now feels like the same friggin journey! Just the phase I am in I guess.
Well, let me write a bit about myself first. I ‘am’ an IT professional in my mid thirties. 6 month before today, I had been working in a nice small company for the past three years. But hell got loose when I started as a Project Manager for a crazy international project. I was working into wee hours in the morning, working into the weekend, and travelling overseas half of the time. To be honest, the country was not that bad, was actually a very popular tourist destination, but I didn’t have time to look around.
Result, my conversation with my husband started become non-existent. We didn’t talk, we just argued about my work hours. Don’t get me wrong, I have the best husband one could get. He has supported me every step of my life, and was my pillar of strength when I struggled coming in terms with my infertility in the past year or two. But I guess he drew the line when I started stressing everyone out with whatever came out of my sleep deprived mind. When two of us finally exchanged less than a few words in a whole week, I knew I had to do something. 
I talked to my boss. Stopped caring so much. Refused to work after certain hours. But then, the project suffered, and I found myself slipping back to old habits again. I was and am a control freak, but getting clients from hell, and a team who depended on me from A to Z didn’t help. So one day, I said enough is enough, my husband and my sanity is more important than this, and I QUIT. Yes, without any other job lined up!
Fast forward 6 months, everyday now is the same struggle coming in terms of another failed job application. Each month is a constant struggle coming in terms with the fact that I won’t be a mom this month either. I find so many people like me in the various forums, but when the news hits, I can’t help but put the ‘why me’ question out into the void. Each time, I slip back my “I’m positive today” face, but each day, it fits less and less on the real me.
No, I’m not depressed. I knew the path I chose to take wasn't an easy one. I had done the math: X months I can support without a paycheck. I knew those same months would be fixated on baby making forums at least 20 times more than before, playing havoc there. But knowing is one thing, actually doing it is different.
I haven’t given hope though. I have my husband right beside me, allowing me to pout, cry, act crazy whenever I want.  And today, I finally booked an appointment with a fertility specialist at a clinic we’ve decided on. IVF/ICSI/IUI, bring it on!