Not getting any easier

So, I was back at work this week. On the very first day, I was disappointed that the office was further than I thought from the train station. Minimum 2 hours of travel one way is already making me feel dull.

On top of that, it seems our small Sydney office was showering with babies in the 1.5 years I was gone. 2 of the 3 ladies pregnant (third does not have a serious relationship yet I think), and 3 of the 6 men became new fathers (remaining either already have grown-up children or not into babies yet). So yes, I missed out on the baby express when I left work. Or maybe I just saved myself a LOT of heartache watching all others invite babies in their world.I'm again surrounded by pregnant people - in the office, on the street or train, or in Facebook. I had disabled Facebook because of this, but now that I am surrounded by this in real life, I might as well accept the 'virtual world' and face it head on. 1.5 years ago, I was proud that babies and baby news did not affect me. Now it just saps any positivity I have. Happy moms, either just starting the new journey, or enjoying their children going to school, or inviting their second child - all makes me go green. This may never change, but I better get used to it than try to hide it. I may be permanently recognized as the green lady one day, but so be it. This is my life. I just have to live it.


A different life

Sorry for disappearing, but I was away from all this for a few weeks. We decided to urgently visit our father-in-law because he was refusing to eat or drink after his second stroke. He is currently living in a small mountain town in India these days (we are originally from neighbouring Nepal). Good news is that his appetite is now lot better, and he is finally taking his medications which he was refusing too before. Bad news is that his memory was affected this time (he hardly recognized me but luckily he recognized his son and daughter and was happy to see them).

The culture out there is totally different to here is Aus of course, so in these three weeks, there were lots of visiting our relatives (while dad rested) and lots of eating. There was no arguing with the elders who fed you there in matters of food (lovingly of course), so gluten-free diet went out of the window. Temping and OPKs were totally out of question. I hardly had the energy to follow my thyroxine routine, let alone my vits and CoQ10 etc. So no IF related crazy routines. What I did have was lots of blessings from everyone for a baby and soon too. If blessings from elders work, there should be some good news in the next couple of months. Guess will just have to wait and see.

I did have a moment where my tears got the better of me. If my last pregnancy wasn't so abruptly ended, I would be in such a different place right now. Instead, my poor baby wasn't even acknowledged, as no one there knows. I was so sorry for both of us. I didn't let anyone see the tears except my husband though.

I am starting my job on Monday so hoping it provides me enough distraction for a little while, as I have no energy to go for another IVF round for now. Perhaps setting up gluten-free diet again is a good excuse for now - that will take a few months. Before we decided to fly, I had booked for a FET but the nurse replied saying they could not book that cycle as I did not have rubella testing done in the past 12 months. No one EVER mentioned it to me that it had to be done every year. If I didn't have to urgently travel at that time, my post would have been a furious one. Instead I am now in a state of mind to test the blessings and try naturally for a couple of months at least. That may change of course, will see.