I would do anything

I could not sleep much last night. Lots of conversations in my head. I lay wondering why I was at this state of my life. Why almost every day there were tears at the brink of my eyes? Why was my body refusing to co-operate and give me what I wanted? Why I was getting one after another job rejections? And why did I have to leave my job in the first place? And so many more questions I could not find any answers to.

Even after all these months, I haven't regretted leaving my job though. I knew what I wanted (a baby) stronger than getting a raise after working countless overtime hours. And I would make the same decision if I had to choose again. I just wish I didn't have to make a choice though. Because even with the stress, I was very happy with what I had achieved in a short time at that job. Its crushing to feel the pride I built up while in that role, diminish with each time another company tells me I am not suited for their role.

There are a few things I regret about my TTC journey though. For a long time, I was too much focused on eating the right things and checking for pregnancy symptoms than doing the needful at the right time of the month. There were also times when I would start the month with renewed positiveness, but the stress of getting it right that month built up, leading to clashes with my H on the most important day. Guess you could call it performance anxiety on my part, otherwise why would I feel sorry about my disloyal body at that instant?

But otherwise, I do try very hard to give it the best chance every month. Eat healthier, improve our sleep pattern, exercise more, take the right supplements, use the right stuff, or whatever else I found advised as something we should do to improve my chances. I get disheartened with the terrible results of the experimentation (it is just experiment after all, if you think about it technically), but I move on, and try a bit more. After all, no matter what anyone says or thinks, I am here to stick through the journey. I will do anything that it takes.

A song someone posted in their blog, that I found was beautiful, so had to share:


Calling lady luck

I went to a birthday party of a 2 year old today. The boy barely understood what it is about, although he did enjoy when everyone sang Happy Birthday to him, and loved the Thomas cake. But more than the kids, I think the parents enjoyed it. The parents had called all their old friends and their families. I met a lot of people that I hadn't met for ages. And there was my regular group of friends too. All in all, there were 2 pregnant ladies, one who just recently gave birth, and uncountable other friends who had just gone from single, 4 years ago, to married with one or two kids today. It was lovely to meet them, but at times I felt like I was watching them all from the outside and did not feel a part of the group. I was not jealous, and loved playing with the kids, but I was also sad that I was 'left behind' while others moved on with their lives. Everyone there probably had their own stories and worries, but I felt blah, so decided to come here today to pour out my sob story(ies) to compare if anyone cares.

My job hunt

So among the 50 or so people that were there today, and maybe around 30 or so I talked to, there were 7 people looking for a job (including me of course). What's up with that? I probably had the most to whinge though as I have been out of a job the longest. And my wounds are still fresh after another failed attempt of a pathetic job interview last week after applying to more than a dozen jobs in a week. After working for two years as a Project Manager, I guess I am not cut out for a full PM job yet, and too senior to be in a junior PM role. And with each day and each declined (or disregarded) job application, my confidence is just slipping further down, and after 9 months, is almost non-existent. How can anyone trust a PM who is not confident? I pick myself up and force myself to apply to new jobs, but each application is sent with less and less hope of getting me anywhere. If I was 'knocked up' the day I left my job, I would be a in the happy-mother-to-be group today!

My weight

I have two people at home trying to lose weight. The healthy way. I am desperately trying to gain weight, like for my whole life, and "luckily", I also need to do it the healthy way because I am TTC. Healthy meals that help some of us lose weight, and me gain weight instead? I haven't got it quite right yet. I have added the "daily exercise" and "lots of water" bit, but it feels like I cannot find anything to eat that is good for TTC, and also good for my fussy palate. So one day, I congratulate myself that in these 9 months, at least I am 0.5 kg nearer to my goal weight, and the next day, I'm back to the original weight. It was probably that extra litre of water after all. Trust me, gaining weight is as frustrating as losing weight. Or maybe more.

My TTC woes

So after my freeze-all cycle, I need to wait a full month before the FET. Make it two full months because my clinic is closed during Christmas and New Year, and my AF is very likely to show exactly while they are closed, so I cannot start that month. So two months of trying naturally. Maybe even after reading so much about it, we were just doing it wrong the last two and half years. Maybe its just that I didn't have enough CM then. Maybe its just, oh I don't know what. But I have two months of trying to find hope that we "gave up" when we turned to IVF. It is not helping that the IC OPKs are playing tricks on me this month, and showing two lines developing one day, and just one line the next, and then again two lines the next. Does that mean I missed ovulation? Or will it mean I will just ovulate late (and oh oh, it might mean I have a late period that falls after the clinic opens, so that I won't need to wait one more month!!)?

All these things, my mind tells me I have some control over, and will eventually get there - all I need is more dedication, hard work, and a truck load of patience. But I think most important of all is that, I need luck on my side. I cannot wait for 2014. 13 is perhaps not my lucky number. But does lady luck just look at the new year fireworks and decide on which person to move on to? Oh I hope so! Desperately! And that she chooses me, me, me! 


Baby shower

On Saturday, I went to my second ever baby shower. It was for a very close friend of mine, and my cousin (her sister-in-law) was arranging it, so we went early to help. It was nice to see the place transform from a mess of chairs and tables to an exciting blue corner.

A few games, laughs and the nice food contributed by the participants summed up the excitement and felicitations that we felt for the mother-to-be and the little one who will be here soon.

Just a milestone for me, where I was surrounded by baby talk, and baby stuff, but I did not feel sorry for myself, and instead just let myself go and have fun. Well done to my cousin for a the great organisation, and well done to me for not being selfish for a bit and half :)