No sunshine here

So of course, the cycle was a bust. Yesterday was the test day, and it was clear negative. Our clinic does not do betas, it’s just two HPTs to be used two days apart.
I did drive myself crazy when I tested with FRER on 5dp5dt, and it was negative. Had also used a few expired OPKs expired long back from 2015/2016 (not sure why I still have them??) at the same time. I was smart enough not to use up any more FRERs after that day, but I tested a few more times with the expired OPKs, thinking they are supposed to go to the bin anyway, and they were all negative – but both lines were pretty light in them. That was the height of my obsession this cycle I guess, besides googling when was the earliest and latest to get a BFP again and again J. But the OPKs helped me get prepared for the negative, while still holding a bit of hope at the back somehow.

Tomorrow is the second test, but I am already sure it is negative. I was actually quite surprised how the mind works – I was feeling bloated right up to the point I tested yesterday. After the HPT tested, I went back to sleep, and yesterday morning, ALL the symptoms seem to disappear, including bloating. So, I already skipped my progesterone pessaries this morning. Still a bit scared to throw all caution in the air before AF shows up. Bit of a pity, as I really want to spend this evening drunk, as it is Friday night L

Anyway, not sure where to from here. I am keen to put TTC in the backbench, but I have a batch of progesterone to finish before June. So my mind says do it sooner than later so that there is some change of a BFP before turning 40 in April. But I really want to stop all this nonsense and obsession, and wasting money on supplements. Will see how it all goes.

New hopes

Sooo...I'm in the bandwagon again.

We had one frozen embryo left from last cycle.

We had been trying for a second baby since baby D turned 6 months. Desparate I know, but we knew it wasn't going to happen right away (but that didn't stop me from daydreaming, mind you). At the beginning, it was a no pressure kind of thing. Then we stopped a bit when baby D had to go on a hip harness due to DHD. It's genetic, so I was really scared that I'd pass it to our second child since I had hip dysplasia myself at newborn stage. But D coped well, and luckily was out of her harness soon, and slowly the dreams came back.

Then suddenly one day, I realised that if I didn't get pregnant soonish, I will be over 40 if and when I give birth again. So I panicked! Unfortunately or fortunately, my husband was the opposite- calm and sensible. We discussed how we were already blessed with D in our lives, and so didn't want to rush into FET. Also, no more IVF after the FET too. So we said we will try naturally while enjoying seeing  baby D grow each day. And on Nov, we will do our last ever assisted cycle.

So here we are. 11/11, 11am was the appointment for the transfer of our 5d blastocyst - poor bugger with the pressure that its either him, or no one else. I've been on progesterone pessaries since the day of the transfer, so the tiredness and queasiness I feel right now is probably due to that, or maybe even due to the cold I caught that doesn't seem to want to go away. But every moment I am free, I am obsessing, and then feeling guilty that I may ginx things. Guilt at every step for not eating healthy, sleeping enough, or drinking enough water, or lifting baby D up, or not doing enough excercise, or worrying that cleaning the house was too labour intensive...and the list goes on....

I told myself this evening though. Why should I not obsess? This is probably the last time ever that I would be PUPO...ever!! So, dr google, here I come with questions like "BFP how many days after 5dp5dt" and "FET symptoms" and so on and so forth. Please try to give me answers that will still keep me a little bit sane!

Baby D

I am sorry for being MIA for so's been almost a year it seems. The main thing that happened in these past months was my actual journey to meet my baby, baby D!

After my last post, rest of the pregnancy was almost uneventful, with only small period of slight nausea, and couple of weeks of pregnancy related rashes, PUPPS (which drove me mad). The delivery itself couldn't have gone better either, with her being born within 2 hours of me arriving at the hospital. The first time I met her was magical, and rest of the journey till now hasn't been any less. So far, she has met her growth expectations at each clinic visits, and has so far loved all the day outs we have managed to fit in so far. At eight weeks, she is cooing her heart away, and making our hearts melt with her smile.

I have been lucky that my mom is here for a year, to help me look after her. Still the days just disappear, and each day I silently praise those moms who do it alone. I wasn't able to post during pregnancy as I was too scared to jinx things till the very end, but after she was born, was a bit challenging to get the time. In the future, I intend to regularly post updates about baby D here, lets see how it goes though.

Dating scan

Sorry for being MIA, I had been too busy or tired to update. But no news is fortunately good news this time, at least for now.

The dating scan went well, with our poppy growing right on track at 8w5d and perfect heartbeat of 189. So mesmerized by the little thing!

I haven't stopped worrying that symptoms are coming and going, but I am starting to be more hopeful than all doom and gloom. Minor bouts of morning sickness and back ache is all the only thing that is a physical reminder, which I am thankful for...most of the times ;)

Waiting still sucks

The last week was one of the hardest one for me, as I really struggled about not having contact with my parents in Nepal causing me to worry about their safety, and not having any assurance that this pregnancy is not going to end silently like the last one. So much that I nearly broke down infront of my colleagues who were also travelling to the customer site, it took a lot of strength not to. I thought several times about giving up, and pray to my boss that I be allowed to go home.

Being in a foreign country, I do not have the luxury to call my clinic with my concerns and get an early scan or another bloods done. Unless I presented myself to the emergency in a hospital here, and demand bloods or scans, but I chickened out of that. I am not sure I would be able to handle bad news by myself.

It got a bit better mid week when we finally had contact with my parents again (they are shaken but OK), and work got so busy that I barely had time to think about my fading lines and symptoms. And I have calmed down a lot by now, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I have my first scan on the 11th after I get back. I switch between imagining what we would do if we did hear the heartbeat, and imagining how I would survive  if history repeats itself. To be honest I really want to know either way. I cannot wait to board the plane back home this Friday. By this time next week, I'll be in my bed...

Also, if I never have to travel to this place again, I would never complain, as I never want to be reminded of this week again.