Dating scan

Sorry for being MIA, I had been too busy or tired to update. But no news is fortunately good news this time, at least for now.

The dating scan went well, with our poppy growing right on track at 8w5d and perfect heartbeat of 189. So mesmerized by the little thing!

I haven't stopped worrying that symptoms are coming and going, but I am starting to be more hopeful than all doom and gloom. Minor bouts of morning sickness and back ache is all the only thing that is a physical reminder, which I am thankful for...most of the times ;)


Waiting still sucks

The last week was one of the hardest one for me, as I really struggled about not having contact with my parents in Nepal causing me to worry about their safety, and not having any assurance that this pregnancy is not going to end silently like the last one. So much that I nearly broke down infront of my colleagues who were also travelling to the customer site, it took a lot of strength not to. I thought several times about giving up, and pray to my boss that I be allowed to go home.

Being in a foreign country, I do not have the luxury to call my clinic with my concerns and get an early scan or another bloods done. Unless I presented myself to the emergency in a hospital here, and demand bloods or scans, but I chickened out of that. I am not sure I would be able to handle bad news by myself.

It got a bit better mid week when we finally had contact with my parents again (they are shaken but OK), and work got so busy that I barely had time to think about my fading lines and symptoms. And I have calmed down a lot by now, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I have my first scan on the 11th after I get back. I switch between imagining what we would do if we did hear the heartbeat, and imagining how I would survive  if history repeats itself. To be honest I really want to know either way. I cannot wait to board the plane back home this Friday. By this time next week, I'll be in my bed...

Also, if I never have to travel to this place again, I would never complain, as I never want to be reminded of this week again.


Two lines

Since I am posting today, I think I need to come clean too. Hence this separate post from the one about earthquake before.

Yes, I got positive pregnancy result for my last cycle. I'm just into my 6th week now. I didn't write about it before, as I was terribly scared of this pregnancy, since this is the first one after my miscarriage last year. I got a little bit of relief as the betas were lot stronger than last time - 228 on 10dp5dt, and 815 on 13dp5dt. But I was still afraid to share, as I thought I would somehow jinx it. Then I stressed about bringing the progesterone pessaries on the 26 hour flight  with me as they had to be kept cold (was an OK experience btw), stressed about having to work hard, and not getting to eat on time time while I'm at customer site, and worried about million things more.

Fast forward to the end of first week at customer site, all work load and food was fine, but I think I ended up having bad luck anyway. I only had sore boobs as a symptom, and that started fading, so I freaked out and POASed on Friday morning. Unfortunately, the lines are getting lighter since Friday. This is not looking good at all. I am trying to stay positive, but I feel the doom and gloom already repeat itself. The two lines that started painting new dreams have started fading, and so are the dreams now.

So I started the weekend crying for my little poppy, and ended up crying the whole weekend for my little baby, for my old parents's suffering alone in Nepal, for my 'adopted' girl in Nepal (through Plan Australia) who I know I will not get any updates about for ages, and for my beautiful country which has been shaken up so much. If I never have such a weekend again, I will not complain. Its going to be long two weeks here. I am due for the first scan on 11th when I get back, but its too far away, and may be just too late.


Earthquake in Nepal - need your prayers and support

This has been a difficult weekend for us. I am in business trip in Europe, and have been watching the news about earthquake in my home country Nepal, helplessly, with tears streaming down my face. So many stories of strength and hope and people working together and supporting each other. But so many more of destruction and loss....

My parents and relatives back home are fine. But there are still so many tremors coming back, some big ones as well, so they are all trying to survive out in the open, with what little supplies they had at home. Water supplies are running out, its cold and and it has started raining..

I won't write long, as I am sure you can get the details in news. I am just writing today to request all of you to pray that this ends, that much more lives are saved, and that there are no new casualties/diseases appearing. I would also request you all to open your heart and donate generously. I am using a Nepalese community in Sydney to donate, but please use any reputable donation agencies like RedCross, Unicef or any of your favourite charities.

Please also forward/share this request if you can. Any help at all that you can think of will be greatly appreciated.


Not trying hard enough

I hope its ok to not give your 100% everytime.

We had our 4th transfer last Tuesday. It was one of the two 5-day embryos frozen after my last fresh cycle. They don't freeze if the embryos are not of good quality, and since the third one took, we were in for some hope. On the actual transfer day, a little disappointment set in because it wasn't a full blastocyst yet. In addition, I was told that I was ovulating after my first bloods, but the OPKs I used at home anyway were positive for the next three days, and my temping chart showed an increase after the forth day. So I guess the timing of the transfer was probably early by 2 days. So my brain says we aren't in with much chance. But all hope is not gone fortunately.

In the other hand, I have been lacking any inspiration to prepare my body for this cycle. Work has been crazy, and I'll be travelling overseas for three weeks for work days after my test day, so not looking forward to that either. Result is that I haven't been watching my sugar, caffeine, water or gluten intake. No exercise either. I feel guilty, but I just don't have the energy to give my all this time. If I was waiting for a miracle before, I need triple that this time. Not sure if I deserve it though. Lets see how my fate and God feels about all this.

My emotions are still all over the place and I would love some positive to come into my life, but until then, I have to count on being busy at work to ensure I am not all tears all the time. So not sure taking the Easter break was a good plan (we have a choice of working this Friday and Monday). I just hope that the body appropriates this break though, as perhaps that's the only thing I'll do for this cycle.

Not looking forward to adding a year to my age this weekend's just a reminder that time is ticking. Not exciting like it used to be. All I hope is that next year, I have less complaining to do.


Missing you

Today was your due date. I never got to find out whether you were a boy or a girl, but for me, you will always be my little girl, one who I was so eagerly waiting for, for such a long time. I'm sorry that I didn't get to hold you, or even managed to have you with me for longer. Your heartbeat that I was able to listen to once will be the most precious for me. You probably already can see that I miss you like crazy, every single day, and I will continue to do so forever. Thanks for being with me in spirit in the last few months though. I can tell that you and I would have been very good friends, and that you would have grown to be a caring and beautiful woman. I already feel that you are looking after me from up there. Hope you are happy there my darling. Your daddy and I love you so much and miss you a lot.


Still blah

The last few weeks of 'not trying' has been bitter sweet. I am enjoying eating carbs, drinking, and not controlling my other food intakes, and not making any plans. But I still have to remind myself that its OK to do so, as I am on a break, and sometimes that just spoils the fun. Also, I should have learnt not to hope, especially for a natural cycle, but nope, I day dream about miracles all the time. And get crushed when reality come in and AF visits instead. I've also been a big mess - whenever I had a few spare moments to think, I started noticing children around me and instantly feeling sad. The sight of children used to bring up a smile, but that has changed so much these days, I can only conclude that I am going loopy. I know I am moving further away from everyone, slowly, inch by inch. I am really hoping that its just temporary.

For now, I'm in Europe for work again. It seems my job requires much more travelling than it did 2 years ago when I left. I usually like travelling, but the frequent travel requirement is trying to make me lose my cool. I'm away for 4 weeks this time, and already they are talking of sending me back here in April for 3 more weeks. At this rate, if I am away almost half the year, TTC will take the back bench for unintended who-knows-how-many months. Unfortunately with the body clock ticking, I don't really have the luxury to just relax and let my job come first. Not when I know how much of a hard work it is, each cycle we really decide to try (as in get help from science), and how long it can really take. Don't get me wrong, I am on a break from TTC due to my own decision.  And the break was prolonged due to both me and my husband travelling for work, which I am fine about. But I want to get back on the TTC route soon. And its not like we can just plan our dates to just lie in the few weeks I AM home. For now, it looks like my dates  are going to be around Easter time, so I think we might be able to squeeze in the FET before my next travel, but leaving so soon after an FET won't do anything to the increase my already reducing confidence that it will work. And I'll have to travel with the 400mg daily progesterone pressaries, and worry about sourcing it overseas in case I run out of it. So I'm not sure what we are doing yet. I'm not liking this idea of the universe not being in my side for a small chance at happiness that I have been craving for so long. I should have been used to it now, but it seems I never learn...