I am not responsible

During the EPU, just to make a conversation I think, the nurse said that she could not see anything wrong with me, so could not understand why I was there, and that maybe I just needed to pray more. I definitely do not pray much these days, so I sighed inwardly, and thought maybe she was right. Things WERE easier when I had some connection upstairs.

Although I did cry when my closest friend here in Sydney got pregnant, fortunately, I do not envy other women who have babies like some others going through infertility do. I understand when people don't understand what I am going through. I also did not make it a big deal when my best friend announced that her plan next year is to go home and have a baby girl (she already has a 5 year old boy) IF she cannot climb up the corporate ladder like she wants. And this was after we had just discussed how I was getting more an more depressed at my infertility.

However, last weekend, I found myself arguing for an hour or two with my husband's good friend's wife about infertility. The topic was raised because of some other matter, but after I mentioned my frustrations, she mentioned a few tactics that had worked for people whom she knew, including someone who had been declared by the doctor as having no chance whatsoever, and mentioned they had 100% faith and positiveness. She mentioned that she could feel negativity around me, and because I had said I thought no one will be 100% fearless about labour pain and how having children will change our lives, she was convinced these fears, and my lack of positiveness was the cause of infertility, especially since the doctors haven't found any fault so far. And I was trying to convince her otherwise. I told her, I am not going to accept that this is because of me. I am not positive because I have been slowly dying inside. But I am not the one who is killing my chances of getting what I want.

Before we slept, I brought the discussion up with my husband again. He said it seemed what the lady said was probably her mantra, what she blindly believed in, and what she said should make no difference to us. I think I probably have heard a lot of people saying don't worry, it will happen one day, and things like that, and I haven't brooded on it saying "oh yeah, so why not now?" But today, I was unusually upset, because the finger was pointed at me. I should have just brushed off her comments and changed the topic, and saved myself the heartache, but this finger pointing left me arguing unnecessarily to hurt myself more and more.

Hopefully its more a learning exercise for me to not open up to people who I know won't understand...


The dreaded phone call for Freeze-All

I could not make myself come here to do any post for the last couple of weeks. I was afraid of sharing my thoughts and jinxing it first, then I was too disappointed later.

IVF #1

After the first FS appointment at the clinic, I was lucky to start almost immediately. There were hurdles. It looked like I might not get the nurse appointment before my jabs are to start. Or due to my FIL's health scare, it looked like my husband may not be able to make it back to Australia on time. But thinks sorted themselves out. 

The first few weeks of pills were crazy. Felt like I was going backwards, but I knew it was for the best. The Lucrin injections started towards week 3, and I was more excited with each passing day. When I had the next appointment to collect/start Gonal-F, I am sure I almost had spring in my steps! My husband was away, but it was fine. It was looking more and more sure that he would be back on time for the all important egg collection. 

I had my first blood test on 12th (CD10). My husband came back on the 13th. We had a small birthday celebration for him on the 14th. I had ultrasound on 14th. The US was a bit weird - my FS was trying to learn how to do the US, and I was the subject! But the main thing that had me worried was when the FS said they will have to monitor my progesterone, as it might get too high before the EPU, which would mean cycle cancellation!! I was asked to do another round of BT on 16th which was a Saturday. 

The call

A very good friend was staying over the weekend, so we decided to go to movies that Saturday. The nurse had said she would probably call before 3pm, so at 3pm, I relaxed. At 3:30, I got the call inside the theatre :( It was going to be a freeze-all because the progesterone was above their cut off level of 5. They said high level of P4 means reduction in chance of a pregnancy by 50%, and the body will be out of sync for the implantation to be successful. First time in my life, I cried out loudly inside a movie theatre. Ironically, the movie was not sentimental. They had some sad scenes though, so hopefully they just thought I was a crazy emotional person. I triggered that night for EPU on Monday. 

My snowbabies

The EPU on Monday went as scheduled. Small chat with "fellow EPU'ers" in strange surgery gown, followed by a theatre full of too many people to confuse me. Luckily the sedative took over, and I found "14" written on my hand when I woke up. 14 eggs. 9 fertilized the next day. The clinic protocol meant they were all frozen that day, so we don't really know what their qualities are. We have to wait at least one more cycle before we can do FET. Due to clinic closure during the Christmas period, it is likely I will have to wait till end of Jan to start. 

I have yet to feel excited about my snowbabies. My excitement was cut short too prematurely for me. But I know the disappointment will go away, and the hope will come back, and so will my love for my little ones, who are just waiting for me...