I am not responsible

During the EPU, just to make a conversation I think, the nurse said that she could not see anything wrong with me, so could not understand why I was there, and that maybe I just needed to pray more. I definitely do not pray much these days, so I sighed inwardly, and thought maybe she was right. Things WERE easier when I had some connection upstairs.

Although I did cry when my closest friend here in Sydney got pregnant, fortunately, I do not envy other women who have babies like some others going through infertility do. I understand when people don't understand what I am going through. I also did not make it a big deal when my best friend announced that her plan next year is to go home and have a baby girl (she already has a 5 year old boy) IF she cannot climb up the corporate ladder like she wants. And this was after we had just discussed how I was getting more an more depressed at my infertility.

However, last weekend, I found myself arguing for an hour or two with my husband's good friend's wife about infertility. The topic was raised because of some other matter, but after I mentioned my frustrations, she mentioned a few tactics that had worked for people whom she knew, including someone who had been declared by the doctor as having no chance whatsoever, and mentioned they had 100% faith and positiveness. She mentioned that she could feel negativity around me, and because I had said I thought no one will be 100% fearless about labour pain and how having children will change our lives, she was convinced these fears, and my lack of positiveness was the cause of infertility, especially since the doctors haven't found any fault so far. And I was trying to convince her otherwise. I told her, I am not going to accept that this is because of me. I am not positive because I have been slowly dying inside. But I am not the one who is killing my chances of getting what I want.

Before we slept, I brought the discussion up with my husband again. He said it seemed what the lady said was probably her mantra, what she blindly believed in, and what she said should make no difference to us. I think I probably have heard a lot of people saying don't worry, it will happen one day, and things like that, and I haven't brooded on it saying "oh yeah, so why not now?" But today, I was unusually upset, because the finger was pointed at me. I should have just brushed off her comments and changed the topic, and saved myself the heartache, but this finger pointing left me arguing unnecessarily to hurt myself more and more.

Hopefully its more a learning exercise for me to not open up to people who I know won't understand...