I would do anything

I could not sleep much last night. Lots of conversations in my head. I lay wondering why I was at this state of my life. Why almost every day there were tears at the brink of my eyes? Why was my body refusing to co-operate and give me what I wanted? Why I was getting one after another job rejections? And why did I have to leave my job in the first place? And so many more questions I could not find any answers to.

Even after all these months, I haven't regretted leaving my job though. I knew what I wanted (a baby) stronger than getting a raise after working countless overtime hours. And I would make the same decision if I had to choose again. I just wish I didn't have to make a choice though. Because even with the stress, I was very happy with what I had achieved in a short time at that job. Its crushing to feel the pride I built up while in that role, diminish with each time another company tells me I am not suited for their role.

There are a few things I regret about my TTC journey though. For a long time, I was too much focused on eating the right things and checking for pregnancy symptoms than doing the needful at the right time of the month. There were also times when I would start the month with renewed positiveness, but the stress of getting it right that month built up, leading to clashes with my H on the most important day. Guess you could call it performance anxiety on my part, otherwise why would I feel sorry about my disloyal body at that instant?

But otherwise, I do try very hard to give it the best chance every month. Eat healthier, improve our sleep pattern, exercise more, take the right supplements, use the right stuff, or whatever else I found advised as something we should do to improve my chances. I get disheartened with the terrible results of the experimentation (it is just experiment after all, if you think about it technically), but I move on, and try a bit more. After all, no matter what anyone says or thinks, I am here to stick through the journey. I will do anything that it takes.

A song someone posted in their blog, that I found was beautiful, so had to share: