Colors of life

Last two weeks were full of celebrations, and lots of food for me. In fact so much that I'd be happy to not see any party food for a while (not happening though, as still more stuff planned next two weeks). Highlight of these weeks was my nephew, who has grown to be the sweetest but the most stubborn 3 year old, and did not stop amusing us with his innocent talk and mischief. I had make cupcakes for his third birthday and used deep cupcake cups made of stiffish paper (not the usual frilly cupcake wrappers). I was overjoyed to see him finish his so quickly, only to find minutes later that he had licked only the icing and thrown the rest into the dustbin saying he's finished! I would have been disappointed had it not been for his sense of accomplishment. Low point of these weeks was watching everyone with their kids and feeling my own emptyness. Trust 'green within' to show it's appearance admist all the fun!  If I was still pregnant, these celebrations would be a totally different experience for me and I couldn't stop wondering how it would have felt.

TTC wise, I did get AF soon after my last post, and had the sonohysterogram last week. All clear. The fibroids I had are not obstructive enough to worry. This is going to be a natural cycle so no high hopes. So I am taking it bit easy on watching my diet and exercising. When I last fell pregnant, I had followed everything I planned to do quite strictly - from diet free of gluten, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, soy etc to regular excercise and lots of prayers and most importantly, belief. I doubt I will have the same ingredients ever again. Instead, I have an ever fluctuating levels in the hope-o-meter and low levels = low resolve for everything else. Only hope for me is if the frozen embiees are lot more resilient. We'll see.

TTC aside, I have talked to my previous boss and literally begged back my job that I walked out of. I need something else to focus on than babies, and what's better than a career? I still have a few weeks before I start, and head back to the crazies behind computer screens and phones at all odd hours, but I am looking forward to it already. I hope I can handle the stress a bit better now after reflecting on my way of working, for so long. I'll need to focus on uping my skills on a few weak areas too. But talking about other things beside IF here, and counting days to something ele is refreshing already for me. Daunting but exciting. Fingers crossed it's the right decision. I have a feeling it is...

1 comment :

  1. Just popping in to say 'hi'.

    I'm glad to hear that the sono gave you the all clear and that you don't need to go through any further procedures to remove anything..

    I agree, holding on to hope is hard, but I'm glad your hope-o-meter is fluctuating (i.e there are ups as well as downs) and not completely flatlining. Hang in there, hon. Also having something else to concentrate on such as work, sounds like a good idea. As much as I despise my job at times, it is one of the things that has kept me sane on this journey.. Hugs.xx