Our Embryo Transfer

The day finally arrived

When I called up the nurses at the clinic to inquire about the progress of the thawed embryos, I was told that they thawed 4 (they were frozen in a batch of 4-4-1, so I guess they thawed the first batch), and they had all survived. I was also told that if I didn't hear from them anymore, it means good news, and that its a go ahead for ET. So yesterday morning, we arrived at the clinic, ready for the ET. I was a quite nervous while we waited for our turn. I had decided that this would be a cycle where I relax, and not obsess about things, and see how it goes fully naturally instead. So I tried my best to talk about random stuff with my husband, and not bring about any negativity and stress.
We didn't know who was going to do the ET until we actually arrived in the room, but it was good it see it was Dr. Smith, who was the senior-most doctor at our clinic, so I felt I was in good hands. He was very relaxed, and tried to hold a conversation while he did his thing. In less than 10 minutes, we were out of the room, and officially a PUPO!!

Mixed feelings

Positiveness is a double-edged sword - to remain completely positive, you have to push any negative thoughts away. That's what I did, as I was feeling completely positive about this cycle. Until I got the news about our embryos. It wasn't all doom of course, as I did have the transfer. But while I was expecting till that morning that some of the remaining embryos to be of A-grade so they could be re-frozen, I was told instead that the one that had developed the most was an early morula at best. The rest (3) had stopped growing. So while I was very happy that I had 9 embryos that meant a lot of shots at FET for me, I realised that I actually had one (maximum two) more shots only before me. I am not sure why, but that hit me pretty badly. On top of that, the doctor tried to show me the process via ultrasound, but had a hard time doing it because my ovary was retroverted. So at possibly the most important time in my life, my positiveness completely left me! 
After the procedure, since the doctors did not tell me I need to rest specifically, we decided to eat our lunch at a yum-cha place that we had said we wanted to try for last year or two. Another disappointment, as the place had hardly any customers, and when we reached there, the food was already cold. Things got worse for me because when I expressed my feelings to my husband, his response sounded to me like someone who was detached from the whole process, and was there only to support me through what I wanted - no worries, no excitement, no anticipation, no nothing! I did not expect him to want to cry with me of course, but I expected him to have some emotions, tell me off for being negative even, instead of an acting like a mere observer! He is a great guy, and I know he will be a great dad, but sometimes, his reactions just pisses me off, and he blames it on his male genes, the excuse I utterly despise. 

And I am angry with myself for focusing on the negativity instead of the miracle inside me. I am sure I will snap out of it pretty soon though, and my little trot inside me is reminding me of its presence with some mild cramps already. I really hope that it decides to stay around, as it will be much much much loved!