Not trying is harder

I did a 180 degrees flip right after my last post. After a long time, I had high hopes for the last cycle. I had pimples all over my face and body, I was tired as hell, and I was even getting bouts of dizziness. I usually had spotting days before my AF begins, but I was expecting AF on Christmas day, but no signs till Christmas eve. So after all the prayers and feeling really blessed in November, I was thinking this is it, I am going to have my very first successful natural cycle. And I was determined to do all my best to make this one last the whole way. Little did I know that all the blessings mean nothing, and all the symptoms were just because of my tiredness due to travel, and due to the change in food. I was looking forward to getting home on boxing day, and my best (late) Christmas present being two lines. So when I landed in the UK for my first transit, I was as excited as a little child on a Christmas eve. But I started bleeding on the plane in the next leg of my flight. Rest of the flight was a blur. I cried on my way home from the airport after landing really early on boxing day. Then slept the day away. Forced myself to get up at 6pm, and help my sister with the Christmas celebrations we had planned.

After that, I decided to take a loooong break from TTC. I have had enough of this mindfuck. I felt like I deserve more. So I am off all my tens of different supplements, off my gluten free diet, I am drinking whenever I feel like, drinking as many cups of tea as I want, and the list goes on.  But unfortunately, I am finding this is not easy either. I am surrounded each and every moment by unexplained grief, and I cannot see the fun side of anything. I am not enjoying the freedom from medications or food and drink restrictions. Perhaps I had ‘something’ to do before this, and now I don’t and that is making this harder. Memories of the little angel I lost just keep coming back. Work is a real escape, but at this time of the year, that is slow too. Retail therapy helps a little bit, but there is only so much you can shop.

At this stage, I am not sure where I am heading next, as all of this is really hard. I want out, at least for a little while, but it seems not trying is harder. I may take a break from blogging too, but maybe not, as this is the only place I can vent. Even though almost no one reads it.

Sorry for the really low note in this post. I really hope that you have a better plans for new year celebrations than me, and you have a great year.